Hello my dear sweet May, I've missed you, and apparently missed a lot. So I'll update on my life on my thread at some point here, but I just read through practically a book about where you're at right now. I have a few thoughts.
-I stand by my very early recommendation that you and H promise to shelf this dissecting the MR whether it be M1.0 or M2.0 to a specific time and day unless something is absolutely pressing. You guys are in a never ending cycle of p!ssing each other off because neither one of you are willing to let go of what in M1.0 put you both in a position to need a M2.0. this is not to equate what you did and what he did. They aren't equal, and there isn't a ton of causation as much as H would like to think there is. The only causation is your SSM made him miserable and question himself, you and your mutual love and affection. His A made you question yourself, him and your marriage. So for that you guys are on equal ground. If you keep you two keep circling the same thing over and over again you're going to circle yourselves right down the drain together. Some one has to be the stop in this cycle. Should it be you...nope. But if it's not you who will it be?
-The anger. Oh hunny the anger. So I hit another anger wall, I'll update that in my own space, but I just want to remind you and any one else of something I told you before. This from the perspective of a WW that went back for a while, the betrayer will be in (maybe not in the way you want or need, but in their head in) long before the betrayed will be "over it." You will be angry far longer than he will be working getting over AP. You will be sad far longer than he will have doubts about a future for the two of you. And with that deal if you really want to give you two a shot at a future you have to assume some responsibility for that anger and sadness of your own. In they way it's not your job to heal him. To help him get over her. To hold his hand while he learns to forgive himself. It's not his job to sop up all of your anger and sadness no matter how much of it was his doing. The fact is he hasn't made you be angry. He hasn't made you sad. You gave him the permission to let him make you feel that way. And now where you're at, you're giving the ghost of AP permission to very strong feelings and a ton of energy she doesn't deserve. You're also given you're husband 2 years ago, 3 years ago, 1 year ago, a man who no longer actually exists a whole lot of permission to rob you of positivity, and happiness, and wide eyed faith that things always work out in the end. You've allowed the ghosts of people to steal your softness. Your anger and sadness are completely valid. But you can't allow ghosts to tie you to the past and let you drown in all the heaviness of that time. May, you don't have to let go of it all, but at some point here you do need to start letting go. You need to give your soul a chance to breathe. You're future is completely unwritten and totally within your control.
- As far as the touching. I'm going to tell you what you told me. Why is this so scary? you may need to explore that. Personally I think you're terrified this is April all over again. That being said if he's reaching out let him, and do your best to find away to lean in. I'm still very weirded out when my H does somethings. It takes a few attempts on his part for me to relax and ease back into it. He grabbed my hand while we were driving and pulled it up to his lips and gave my hand a kiss. The first time I cried. The second time I worried. The third time I smiled. And now it's just something we're doing again.
This all takes time. So much time. So many baby steps. And so many leaps of faith. So much pulling apart all that affair PTSD from what is happening now. None of this is easy or intuitive. It so much work individually and together. But you got this my dear. You have it.
