A day at a time

[may22]

Kristin, WMWB, LH... the sex is a difficult issue, because of the SSM. It is definitely not the case where it is something we can fall back into because it has been years since we had a healthy sex life.

When H met AP, he says we hadn't had sex in six months. I dispute this, but it is true that we probably had sex only a handful of times in the six months prior. (I know it hadn't been six months since I knew it was bad to always say no and so if it got to be more than a month I'd say yes the next time even though I didn't want to. Yes, I know this is incredibly unhealthy and all the rest.) H then "realized" after conversations with AP that our marriage was in fact not a good one because of the SSM, and that I had "stolen" years of his life away. He decided to stop initiating to see how long it would take me to initiate, and I never did. After a couple months of this, he started the PA with AP. Maybe a month or so later I initiated (because I was realizing whoops, it had been a long time) and he told me I had broken him sexually and he was now the one that didn't want to have sex with me. (Wow, the gaslighting is blinding me right now.)

It was a year after that conversation, a year of MC and alien H and zero sex that we went away for a long weekend together and I had my epiphany around my feelings for my H and around sex. We had a lot of really hard conversations and had sex for the first time in more than a year, and it was like the scales had fallen from my eyes and my heart. (of course, now I know that H was viewing that weekend as an ending and a precursor to D. I had no idea he had been in an A for more than a year at that point. I'd asked him point blank several times if there was someone else and got gaslit every time.) My attitude towards sex changed instantly, and I started the process of researching female sexuality and trying to learn more about what had happened to me. I also forgave H for all the little resentments that had built up over the years and felt love for him again.

Then we had about a year of these weird midnight encounters, where he'd wake up in the middle of the night and initiate. Sometimes afterwards he'd act all guilty and mopey (because he felt like he was cheating on AP) and I got the drip-drip-drip of truth... first, a couple of months after our weekend away, the ILYB; then a few months later the EA; then a few months after that I learned it was a 2 year long PA. The night he told me it had been a PA I think we had hysterical bonding sex and that continued for a month or so. I've had a hard time figuring out for myself what was driving this on my side-- the MC said I was basically marking my territory.

When we tried to R in the spring, sex to me was something where I wanted to show a 180, and I was frankly frustrated that he wasn't all that into it (except for the midnight encounters, which continued). When we laid the ground rules for our second R attempt (the trip), we both decided we didn't want to have sex for awhile. On his end, he wants the staring into each others' souls romantic connection sex, and we haven't really done that throughout. AP is a big specter in this for both of us and I kind of got to the point where even though I am finally appreciating sex and wanting to explore my own sexuality, I don't want to feel like there is a third party in the room, in my head or his, and I don't have that security at this point. Also, most of the programs that address rebuilding sexual intimacy between partners call for a break for awhile and then slowly starting back up with non-sexual physical contact... I just think it is a subject of so much tension and emotion for both of us, for so many reasons, that taking a break is not a bad thing. I don't actually think he is using this as an excuse to get back together with AP, since we set this prior to his (most recent) decision to R. So it isn't like anything has really changed. I think it is very possible that this is part of what happened in the spring, though.

And for all that... I mostly don't respond for the middle of the night initiations any more, even though they continue, though not as frequently as before. I pretend I'm asleep. And some nights, when we've been having drinks and chatting (kind of like date nights at home, though we don't call it that) we end up having sex. He's also initiated after fights I think because it is a reconnecting experience for both of us. So we aren't NOT having sex. We just aren't having it very much.

TMI I'm sure--- sorry guys! This was actually helpful for me to write out, to look at this full timeline from this particular lens. Anyway, all in all to say, if this is what drives him back into AP's arms... OK. I'm comfortable with that. I don't want my own fledgling sexuality to be messed up by sleeping with someone, even though I happen to be married to him, who isn't feeling it for me. Hopefully, we get there together. But this--feeling like a sexual being again, not just a mom-- is something that is important to me, for me, and is a gift I've received through all of this trauma to date. I don't want to squander it.