A day at a time

[may22]

Hi everyone,

So good to hear from all of you! I've been noodling on a lot of this over the past couple of days and had a really productive session with my IC yesterday with some concrete actions I'm planning over the next week-- will share more on that in a bit.

Right now, I need advice around one quick thing, though. H has significantly ramped up his tactile and "loving" behaviors. I have mentioned some of them--bringing thoughtful, small gifts for me; saying "love you" at the end of a text (used to happen all the time, truly can't remember when I've seen it last, though... years for sure-- it hit me hard when I got it); acts of service (my primary LL-- and this is a change from a month or so ago, when he started spewing about my imaginary poor housekeeping skills in the infrequent times he'd actually lift a finger around the house); and a really significant ramp-up in non-sexual touching. Like, enough that I'm weirded out and I don't know how to respond.

After the first BD, I noticed that if he touched me accidentally, or I touched him-- like our knees would touch as we sat next to each other, or our feet would touch in bed-- he'd move away. At first it was like he'd jump away. Then it moved to our legs would be touching for a minute or so and then he'd move away. But he always moved away. Early on, when we were in MC the first time around and I learned that his LL was physical touch, I started doing it more-- touching him as I walked past, etc. He told me it weirded him out, he felt it was forced and so I stopped. (He was in the A at the time, I just didn't know). So I've been very very careful to not initiate any physical touch. In the spring, when we were trying to R the first time, there was maybe a month where he started to ramp up the non-sexual touches, and then it all went downhill after AP reached out to him. I'd say we are at double what it was back then and he won't move away if we accidentally touch.

I used to be a dolphin trainer so my immediate instinct is to reinforce these behaviors, but I'm weirded out by where they are coming from (are they authentic? Or is he "trying"? And if he's "trying", is that necessarily a bad thing?) So far I've been small and careful in my responses. Like, when he added "love you" to the end of an informational text, I responded with hearting it rather than the thumbs up that I normally give. I don't move my leg away either when we touch. I've been verbally appreciative of the gifts and the acts of service, and done a couple of nice things for him in return. (though acts of service is pretty far down on his LL list.)

So.... any thoughts? I will say that even though I'm suspicious of the reasons, it feels good. I'm not a big toucher by nature, but this is making me realize how starved I am for human touch besides my kids.