New here-heartbroken and confused

[Ready2Change]

DH and I dated for two years, married for 7 separated for 1.5 now. We have two beautiful children. Ages 4 and 6. ....We will probably be divorced in a couple months. Looking for any and all advice.

Even if divorce papers are signed, people reconcile. With children, you will have many opportunities to interact. With every interaction, you have the opportunity to draw him closer, or push him farther away. You are in control of how you interact with him and behave when around him. Be attractive. Be seductive. Know the difference. DB your butt off.

Most use "how the other person responds" as a measuring stick. I always suggest using your behavior as the measuring stick. Did I validate? Did I refrain from arguing? Did I make it safe to talk to me? Did I end the conversation first?


What is the current parenting arrangements? Is it 50/50?

[Rustymom]

yes it is 50/50. I fought him on 50/50 at first. I asked him to consider an arrangement where the kids would spend a couple nights at his house each week and have them 1-2 nights for dinner. I wanted to give the children a home base. He was adamant about 50/50. He has really stepped up as a dad. I'll give him that. I was part happy about that, but part hurt. Why couldn't he have done that while we were married?

MIL comes over and watches kids on his custody time. So she now has pretty much limitless access to the grandchildren. No dil telling her "we have plans on Saturday, but we can see you Sunday." Much better arrangement for her. No more calling me screaming I was keeping the kids from her despite the fact that she saw them two days earlier. Very little incentive for her to do anything but be a cheerleader for the divorce, if you get my drift.

It's tough. I'm still obviously very bitter. I'm working through it as best as I can.

[BL42]

MIL comes over and watches kids on his custody time. So she now has pretty much limitless access to the grandchildren. No dil telling her "we have plans on Saturday, but we can see you Sunday." Much better arrangement for her. No more calling me screaming I was keeping the kids from her despite the fact that she saw them two days earlier. Very little incentive for her to do anything but be a cheerleader for the divorce, if you get my drift.

My MIL is also a cheerleader for the D (my parents and FIL are not) and that's frustrating and makes me angry. My entire family (parents included) went to her house for Christmas dinner just last year. 2 months later was BD and she has not reached out to me once since.

I don't mean to make light of your situation, because I certainly understand through my own how difficult it is, but there is a slight silver lining in that now you don't need to worry about MIL's demands on you and your kids time AT ALL during your 50% with the kids (and 50% without them). Obviously you'd rather not be where you are, but many that can bring some slight relief to you.

[Traveler]

Hi Rustymom,

Letting go of all that frustration towards MIL seems a good step both towards moving on as a single mom OR someday reconciling. What a total 180 that would be, am I right?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I was a WAH in my marriage and get your point about how hard it can be with an unsupportive spouse. I was the primary caregiver and breadwinner. I can't answer whether you should ultimately reconcile or move on, but Disney tells us to do the right next thing.

[Rustymom]

yes. I'm trying to let go of the resentment because it just keeps you imprisoned. I will say that she taught me so much about being a MIL and grandmother so that when my boys grow up, I hope to be asset to them. To encourage their marriages. To not overstep.

Looking at it objectively, she's not the devil. But she is someone who needs control and who can't stand not getting her way. If she wasn't given carte blanche, she'd raise hell. Everything ran on fear and intimidation. DH was terrified of her, but was not afraid of me because he knew I'd keep the peace. But that constant accomodating her at my expense eventually took its toll.

The truth is, I don't even know how I could have handled it differently. Probably I could have nicely set boundaries earlier. Maybe tried to talk to her? I don't know...I think about it often because if we did reconcile (and that seems pretty unlikely), if I didn't have an effective way of dealing with her then we would probably end up in the exact same position we are in now.

[Rustymom]

Yeah. I don't want the animosity anymore. I don't want my kids growing up in the war zone. Still, something about writing the letter feels like she gets off scott free. Like she doesn't get to answer for what's she done. But I know that isn't true.

[Traveler]

But I haven't sent it. It's so incredibly, incredibly hard to apologize to a woman who hurt me and my family beyond words.

Can you elaborate a bit--how did her overbearing behavior directly hurt DH and/or your kids (as opposed to your feelings) when you were married and living together as a family?

Unreasonable demands on me

Could you have said NO?

Then, when I left, she went over and packed up my stuff and put our a doormat with DH's name and the kids names (my name obviously omitted).

This is similar to what we advise LBSs to do--detach and move on after the WAS leaves.

"You love those grandbabies so much?! Good job destroying their family." But, I left. She helped cause the divide (and I believe she is actively working to prevent any reconciliation), but leaving was my decision and my decision alone.

It sounds like you're struggling to accept what you are responsible for vs. what she is responsible for. It sounds like you broke up ("destroyed") the family, after she was overbearing, undermined you, and made your life miserable? Apologizing for your actions does not excuse her actions. "I'm sorry I keyed your car" can be true because keying their car was wrong--even if they walked their dog on your yard and he peed on it repeatedly. Forgiving them for walking their dog on your yard repeatedly is not the same as saying it's okay, and doesn't mean you won't invoke consequences like calling the cops when next it happens.

I'd be curious to hear more if you're willing to share.

[Rustymom]

Yeah no I hear you. Like I said, leaving was my decision and my decision alone. But, I hold a lot of resentment because she just kept pushing and throwing her tantrums despite DH's therapist specifically telling her what a strain it was causing on the marriage. When I left, I felt like I was escaping a pressure cooker. There were a lot of things that contributed to that feeling: DH's constant criticism, my own feelings of not getting to pursue my own dreams and passions, and a MIL that was freaking out and trash talking me in the background. I do not want to escape responsibility for my decision. I tore the family apart when I left. But, let's be honest, most women who walk do so because something has become intolerable. Yes, the correct decision is to stay and work on it. But when someone is screaming and hollering and melting down in the background and you've tried to work it on with them, you feel like it's always going to be this way. It's stressful beyond belief.

And that's what scares me. It scares me that I got to the place where I couldn't take it anymore. I never knew that about myself. That I could be pushed to a limit like that. But I was pushed. And she did a lot of the pushing. If things were to magically resolve between me and DH, I would have to get therapy or something to figure out how to deal with her. Because I really do not want DH to cut her out. I don't.

[Rustymom]

In everyone's experience, do the spouses typically attempt some sort of relationship talk after detachment? I am not bringing up the relationship again to him. When he comes to pick up the kids he always looks so sad. But he wants this, so what more can I possibly do?

[Sage4]

RM, you are so popular with the LBH's! However, your insight is so valuable to us all. First of all, I wanted to acknowledge this:

One universal theme I hear from WAWs is that being a wife and mother is hard. Really hard. I know a lot of guys don't want to hear this, but the amount of work that goes into it and the low level of recognition women often receive from their husbands is difficult. Especially when the kids are young. Your career suffers, your dreams get put on hold, your entire identity becomes being a support system for your husband and children. You tend to lose yourself. I'm not saying that men don't suffer too. But this is the woman's perspective. We usually tell our husbands repeatedly, but they just don't hear it. Resentment builds. If there is a critical, unsupportive family, you are trying to please both the husband and the family. This leads to burn out.

This really resonated with me. I am not a WAW, my H is the one who left (I am more active on the MLC board), but there is a common theme among the LBW's on this forum that perhaps were born from an apathy instigated by what you have just written. I recognize myself in what you wrote. Maybe I didn't physically leave the M, but there was a level of 'checking-out' due to the above that led H to have his own crisis within the M? So interesting, I am going to ponder this for a while.

And I had some thoughts about this:

One thing I've considered doing is sending an apology letter to MIL for my part in the fight. Not with the agenda of reconciling with her son, but simply with the purpose of clearing the air and owning my actions.

Are you ready for this, truly, in your heart of hearts? Are you detached enough to deal with any and all outcomes of this interaction? Because although you state doing it for honorable reasons, I think deep down it is for still for fostering hope in R with H. What would you be doing right now if H was back in your home, you were happily on the path of M 2.0 and H had instigated some clear boundaries protecting your M from MIL. Would you still be reaching out to her with a letter of apology? I think you would let some time pass to see if the boundaries were working. You would be focussing on you, your M and your children.

Many of us write letters of apology (ie pretzeling ourselves to try to be back in the good graces) and regret it. Not all, of course, so you do what feels right for you. But I am not sure that you need another rejection or spew from her right now. Put your eggs in another basket. (Your own!)

And this?

When he comes to pick up the kids he always looks so sad. But he wants this, so what more can I possibly do?

You continue to detach. If he is sincere, he will move mountains to get you back. He has done that before, so he doesn't need a map. In the meantime, you keep doing what you are doing. Use your previous experience of being detached to help you navigate back to that place.

Sorry you're here Rustymom, but it's nice to 'meet' you.

xx
Sage