Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[sandi2]

I try to talk to women but I still dont have the confidence, even though I notice women looking at me differently, it is just not there.

You don't have male confidence b/c you believed the lies your W threw in your face when she left you. She threw all the blame at you, and you believed it was all your fault.

Last Sunday as we exchanged the kids I left the first one, I did not wait for her to go out as she was leaving her home to go to her parent's and as I was getting in the car she said in a spiteful way "thanks for holding the door for me..." I tried to ignore it but it did hurt and my instinct was to think "I have done a million things for you over the last 10 years and I never expected a thank you, I am not in that role anymore", maybe that was my frustration talking.

Her sarcasm should not have hurt you that deeply. This is what happens when you are trying to win her back. You become overly sensitive to everything she says. Your W is going to take potshots wherever she can.

I sat down with him at 22 to do them and I sent a PM to W saying "Our son has homework everyday, try to sit down with him even if you only have the afternoon, thank you". I really feel like they are a lower priority for her now, old clothes, not giving a f@ck about homework routine, all day long out with them on bars and parks... I am trying to give them all the home stability and peace I think children need

She is not the girl you married. She is not the same mother who birthed your children. You cannot tell her how she needs to parent S7. All you control is Pack's parenting skills.

> not having the chance to make up for my mistakes --- perfectionism; the desire to go back and take the test again in order to get a higher score.
> not giving my children the full and happy family they deserve --- guilt
> W being involved with other men and starting a new family --- jealousy; fear of not being able to control her.
> never having again such a promising career as I had in Munich due to being in Sevilla working remotely now --- Do you have the power to see into the future?
> not being able to remove the communication, empathy and relationship weaknesses I have --- B/c you believe you can't do it. Don't be your own worst enemy. You will find happiness again, but it has to start by believing in yourself.
> never being fully happy again because of knowing I hurt the person I was meant to love the most and carrying this with me as a penalty --- self abasement Happiness is a choice. It is a state of mind, and you are responsible for your own happiness.
> thinking I failed in caring for those things that really matter in live and I will treasure the most when I leave this world --- You were working hard to provide for your family. Stop believing her lies and stop seeing yourself as a total failure.
> becoming a selfish b@stard as a result of so much focusing on myself and my happiness --- self flagellation.

This mindset ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ will only dig the hole deeper. It's one thing to feel regret, but I think you are carrying it over to self-punishment. It's time for you to accept the fact this marriage is finished. You can grieve over the past, but you can't change the past. I can tell you from personal experience that beating yourself to pulp and carrying that heavy guilt on your shoulders will gain nothing but more sadness. Since you can't change how your W feels, it seems you've taken 100% blame for the breakdown of the MR...... and the future happiness of your loved ones. I hope your IC can help you, Pack. You can't move forward while clinging to the past.

[quote]We exchanged kids yesterday and despite I have told her already 4 times and by email that I will not talk to her about money anymore, she came up to me as soon as I was about to leave saying I owe her payments from previous months. She had had a couple of beers and smelt like alcohol and when I told her I was paying what I had agreed with my lawyer to be fair she said a number of very hurtful things in front of the kids.

There shouldn't have been 4 email responses. What happened to you walking away the minute she starts this cr@p? If you have a designated amount of money to give her, then you need some type of personal bookkeeping method showing the date you paid, and don't get pulled in by her. It has to be handled in a business fashion, b/c she has gone off the rails. You can't control what she does with the money you give her, but neither should you be bullied or guilted into paying her more. You can only control your side of the street. In other words, you can only give your kids the best when they are living with you. You could give your last penny to her, but it doesn't mean the kids will benefit if she decides to spend elsewhere. Your guilt over the kids is the adversary in this situation, and it keeps you buried under its weight. You must look at the situation through new glasses. She is not the loving girl you married. Get that through your head, Pack. You have to see her as she is now. Your love for that girl your married is effecting all areas of your current life. It messes with your head! That's why you need to mourn the loss, and be able to let her go. You must protect yourself, b/c she is stepping into another realm of threats that can quickly lead to domestic violence. She is one of the worst bullies I've seen on the board. I don't say this to hurt you, but to get you to come out of your old ideas of winning her back.

It's time you stop meeting in person with her, even to exchange the kids. Have someone you trust to exchange the kids at the pickup location. Talk to your lawyer about it, so there will be some type of documentation of why you feel it is necessary to have an intermedium. You are being threatened, and you better take it seriously.

One half of me wants to help her financially, I once loved this W and I want her to be happy and I want to show her I care about her well being. It's like I want to come to her and say, calmly told me how much you need and let's agree on how to get it to you.

You can't do this, b/c she has chosen this path to take. You tried talking in the past, and it didn't work to resolve the issues. Your emotions have to take a back seat to logic when dealing with this type of woman, or you are going to completely lose yourself.

This is the last time she threatens me with police and lawyers because of money, it is also the last time she mocks when I tell her I love her.

OMG, Pack! You have been saying ILY? And she mocks you? And you want to help her out with more money, even though she treats you like dog poop on the bottom of her shoe?

Can I get some advice please on how I am acting, am I doing the right thing? I feel like my actions to command respect are pushing me away and away from a civil relationship, let alone the hope for R.

I'm not sure what "right thing" you mean. You've talked about the feelings you have, but what actions are you referring to command her respect? Apparently, you thought you'd see immediate results of bringing her closer. Really? B/c I've told you that more than likely, it will make her mad and you may never know if any respect was born from whatever action you took. In other words, you are still expecting quick results. I can tell you that if you give in to her bullying, she will not respect you! You took a quote from MWD's book, and IMHO, applied it to back up your wounded feelings. IMHO, that is your way of excusing or rationalizing your weakness and give permission to nice her back. Sometimes, your deep desire to get your family back, overcomes your ability to stay balanced in taking the best action. Your IC is right. You are still trying to "win" her back. Let her go. You can't win her.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel you did not start out doing the very basic steps that we shared with you. If you were able to go a month without initiating contact, then that's better than where you were. But now, you've been pulled back into her drama, and you are questioning if you're doing the right actions. I was a little concerned when you weren't posting. I hope you'll continue to stay with the board, until you are feeling much better.

As for going NC, it's only progress when you admit to yourself the times you vailed the contact as "needing to discuss the kids". I see LBS's doing that all the time, and it's nothing more than the LBS finding an excuse to reach out to the other spouse. So, if you catch yourself wanting to talk to her, don't try to fool yourself by justifying the contact. Make sense? After all this time, and after all the 2X4's I've given, you should know not to be saying ILY to her. It's sad that you can't tell her your feelings or show how much love you have for her.......but that's just how it is in these type of cases. Unfortunately, if she ever reaches a place where she can just be civil when talking to you, it will probably take years. As I've told you in the past, she has to work out her own issues, without taking it out on you. She has to see you won't be pushed around, mocked, intimidated, etc. before she stops treating you like garbage. It's not going to happen with just one or two actions here & there where you don't succumb to her bullying, but rather a long time of you showing consistent actions of respecting yourself as a man. She's not going to respect you if you can't respect yourself.

I realize this has been a terrible time for you, Pack. I hope my words don't sound too harsh and cause you to stop posting. I really want to see you find peace and happiness. I believe it will come, but not until you can let go of her. I remember you making a reference to your family's traditional roles, and I think you measured your role as a H and father by those traditions. From what I remember, you thought you were doing what is expected and was completely thrown for a loop when your W left. How much your traditional upbringing is causing you to see yourself as a failure, is probably significant. I admire men & women who take responsibility for their mistakes. I am concerned that you may be taking responsibility for your mistakes, and hers too. Please don't believe that you deserve to be punished for the rest of your life. I have found it's seldom all the fault of just one spouse. I encourage you to stay in IC.

Don't give up on yourself.