Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity #2

[Gerda]

am I the only person here this has every happened to?

Cardinal, you must be kidding! Some version of this has happened to almost all of us!

I know how you are feeling, I have been there and back and back and there and over and over. Esp that feeling that someone will take your home. I have been living that for four years and counting. ((((Cardinal)))))

Your L sounds good. That's great! I never had a good one and now am pro se.

Here's my advice -- first, take time every day to separate your mind from your heart. This battle is only about money. You can deal with your heart separately or later. I know it's hard, but it's key.

Second -- your L said it wasn't worth it to get him out of the house?! This is totally untrue. I might have ended up in the insane asylum if I hadn't gotten mine out, and my son was suicidal and a truant. All that changed when I got H out, and I could heal and think clearly. Your L is wrong about that; maybe she never lived with an MLCer, esp one who refused to leave after filing for D. Yes, you can be that strong, but why should you if you can give him a downpayment on his share of equity and he will leave? Talk to your lawyer about it to see if it's possible to be creative about that. If you know that you will be having to buy him out and you have some way to get money, you could offer to pay him $1000 a month as an advance on ED or to borrow some money, e.g., $10,000 to give him a first payment. Make sure it's in writing as an advance on ED only, and show that you had to borrow to be able to pay it so they don't try any alimony nonsense with it. But even if you lose some money having that happen, I assure you it will change your entire outlook, etc., if you can get him to leave.

If you can't, can you set him up in some other part of the house so that you don't have to interact at all? Do you have a separate entrance? Or can you take the upstairs and only share the kitchen?

If some part of you still wants to stand, that is not mutually exclusive with what I am saying. You can even tell him that you hope to restore the marriage one day but that you can't live like this and need to heal. You don't have to be vicious or nasty or any of that to get him out of your house. Learn from my story! Get him out if you can! (And it will also help to establish a precedent for use of the house, but don't tell him that. And if you don't have kids, that might not be a factor anyway.)

XO