New here-heartbroken and confused

[SteveLW]

Rustymom, we do not get too many WASs here. So it is enlightening to see things from the other end. I think you are right in saying you are the WAS. Obviously, your LBS is not perfect, and there are dynamics that led to you walking away. However, I could relate a lot to your H. You were my W, I was your H in our sitch. A lot of what you say about him is also true about me.

My W never went so far as to physically separate but she did say she wanted a D. She had completely checked out. When she did that I initially made the classic LBS mistakes, crying, begging, pleading, promising, trying to reason with her. But on day 3 I remembered DBing (this was our second sitch, the first being in 2005 the difference being she said she didn't want a D in 2005). And I started to detach, give her time and space, fix my own problems, and go out and GAL. The effect it had on my W, overtime, is that she wanted to stay.

So now you are in the spot where you initiated things and when you got them, and he detached, now you want back. Here is the thing. One day he may accept you back. Maybe he never will. You do not get to decide that, only he does. But what you can decide to do is to focus on yourself, and become the best version of you that you can be. I highly recommend remaining in IC. You have a lot to work through. A couple of things that stand out to me:

1) MIL. When you marry someone you marry their family. Like it or not she will always be a presence until the day she dies. If you get back together with him, and your attitude remains " I want to be in a marriage where mil doesn't control every aspect of my life and isn't always in my business." then you likely will end up in the same position again in a few months. You have to come to grips with the fact that if you reconcile with him, she comes along with the package. We rarely get to decide exactly what we want in life. So you need to figure out if you can deal with that again in the future because you likely won't get the chance of being with this man again with his mother out of the picture.

2) The 3rd child. Why is this so important to you? So important that you would willing have a child with someone that has made it clear he doesn't want another. Do you understand how ridiculous that sounds? My W came to me at one point several years ago and wanted to have another baby. Our marriage was a SSM, with both of us very unhappy and very passive-aggressive. I was withholding emotional intimacy. She was withholding physical intimacy. Bringing another child into that marriage would have been a terrible idea. I do believe me saying no set us up for BD 2017. But it was the right decision. Whether or not you agree with his reason, having a child with a man that doesn't want another child is wrong. It borders on selfish.

So the good news is that you are still a perfect candidate to DB. Work on GAL. Continue to self-improve (stay in IC, work on 180s). And learn about detachment. What it is and work on it. Coparent with him. Let him do all of the work on a divorce if he continues to push. You DB (have you read Divorce Remedy?), and leave him alone to figure himself out.

In short: "In this case, do the rules re: low contact, detachment etc still apply?" The answer is YES. That is really your only choice. The only alternative is to pressure and pursue him and that almost never works, as you have been finding out.