Some longer-time posters will remember Starsky, a vet who always gave spot on and golden advice IMHO.
Something he posted a number of times (and I always remembered it) was this:
The number one mistake that many LBS's (who have a chance at reconciliation) make is letting the WAS back too soon and too easy.
What he said (and I agree) is that many situations need to have travelled pretty far before a potentially sustainable reconciliation is really possible .
The LBS needs to have taken their own journey and gained more insight into themselves as a person, parent, partner - and grown. They need to understand how their own behavior may have contributed to a marriage that broke down. They also need to learn how to live a more boundaried existence, understanding what does and doesn't work for them and being brave enough to ask for what they want and need.
They need to have experienced life beyond the marriage and have worked through their own initial desperation to save the marriage, and their possibly codependent ways. They need to know that this may go either way and they will be fine whichever way it does go.
The WAS also takes their journey and they will experience a natural and karmic unfolding of events based on their earlier choices. If they had an affair with someone, they may get to experience what a relationship is like with someone who was willing to date a married man or woman and who might be immature or broken. They get to see how their family feels about their choices, including their children. They get to experience how life actually is compared to how they thought it would be. This takes the time it takes and this can lead to what people call 'rock bottom.' When someone looks around and realizes what they have truly lost. Not just in terms of family, ties and friends, but self-respect too.
Only at this point (or similar) does a WAS start to maturely reflect on what has happened and look at their part, face damage they have caused. Not from a 'me' perspective, but from the perspective of others. And they may offer a truly sincere and regretful apology for their part and express a genuine desire to reconcile.
At this point the LBS has grown to a point that they are willing to move slowly and have a degree of self-control and a full 'other' life too. They don't jump in and they are not all in for a good while.
From all that I have seen posted, early reconciliations and quick ones really may not be good news and can lead to a looping scenario, where people find themselves back here sadly, a few years on. Much better to not waste the pain now and learn and grow from present, difficult circumstances. This we never regret - I truly believe that. If you learn and grow, this becomes a 'win' situation for you - however things may unfold.
Xx
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
