Things are moving foward with D at a snails pace. I have the paperwork ready for the lawyer to draft and WW is finishing cleaning our old apartment for her to move into. We decided that I would buy her out of the house and purchase the large appliances she had bought, all for a fair price to both of us. I will continue to cover rent on the apartment for at least the next six months so that she can figure out what she would like to do or if she wants to take over the rent payments. I'm going to take over the streaming services and cell phone and she will continue with car insurance while we're transitioning.
I'm having good days and bad days. Some days I feel like I cycle and can't shake the triggers. It is a weird dynamic in the house. We still do almost everything together and WW still comes into the MRB in the morning and cuddles up to me. I don't have the energy or strength to reject her, and if I'm honest with myself, I welcome the affection. I need to find the strength to cut if off, possibly after the paperwork is filed and I feel safe that she won't try to fight me on everything. I'll take conflict avoidance for 200 Alex. The dynamic causes me to continue to wish for a different outcome than D and it is making it harder to accept that we won't be together. It also makes the intrusive and cyclic thoughts worse because I find myself feeling like I have lost my mojo and am somehow completely repulsive (sexually) or unattractive. I know these things are in my head and not at all the case. But there is just something about it causing me to feel stuck. Maybe because we have such an intimate relationship, but WW has zero sexual desire where she used to be on fire for me. I feel rejected and second best (which is nauseating). I'm unsure, but whatever the cause, it's an area I greatly need to explore for myself. I hate feeling unattractive and it makes me fearful of the future and dating. It also reminds me of why I need to push forward with this D. I can't stand the thought of being with someone that I don't drive wild. Ughh pukes.
In other news, my company is booming and I'm about to embark on another huge journey in adding a third practice into our network. This means about 10,000 extra hours of work to keep my mind busy and pre-occupied as well as growing into one heck of a BAB with a 20% pay raise to boot. Yay mini celebrations and being thankful for the little things.
KG
Last edited by KristinG; 10/28/2005:22 PM.
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
