A few thoughts for you to take or leave, some things that really helped me:
Boundaries-- this was huge. AlisonUK was extremely helpful to me in understanding boundaries (and through this I realized that my H and I basically had zero boundaries, or at least zero enforced boundaries). There's a post on my thread from over the summer where Alison talks about boundaries that really helped me to understand the difference between boundaries (that protect me) and trying to change my H's behavior. I also spent a couple of months working explicitly on boundaries with my IC. I think this is critical work and really encourage you to spend some good time understanding what your boundaries are and how to protect/enforce them.
May22, I'm really curious about whether boundaries apply in my situation as well. Have you been on my thread yet? I'm about to ask the question about what next now that my divorce is almost done. Do boundaries still apply?
