New here-heartbroken and confused

[Rustymom]

I'm pretty sure my situation is hopeless, but I'm working with a DB coach, reading the books, and posting here for advice and support.

DH and I dated for two years, married for 7 separated for 1.5 now. We have two beautiful children. Ages 4 and 6. I walked out due to what I felt was constant criticism, the mounting demands of his family, and treating me like a servant. I filed for divorce a few months after leaving as the situation grew increasingly acrimonious. I think it’s hopeless and I’m confused and heartbroken. The children are desperate for us to reconcile.

We met in grad school. Got married, had children. My career was struggling and his was taking off. It made sense for me to stay home with kids because he far out earned me and his job required frequent travel. From the start, DH has always been a very organized, particular, demanding and controlling person. My ADHD drove him crazy. I would try and try harder to do things correctly, but I’d always fall short. He was always “frustrated.” I contributed financially through family money, so it wasn’t like I didn’t toss finances into the mix. Additionally, I did all childcare, housework, etc. In fact for the first 6 years of our marriage, he never changed a diaper, got up with the children, cleaned, etc. My resentment grew. Additionally, his mother was a lot. She had frequent unreasonable demands of our time and would throw tantrums if she did not get what she wanted. I mean screaming, hanging up the phone, guilt trips. She would call DH and highlight my faults and criticize me. I would let her have her way as often as possible to try to keep the peace. She and FIL would spend the entire weekend every other weekend at our house.

About 6 years into the marriage, I simply checked out. I couldn’t take it anymore. DH begged for marriage therapy. I went. He improved greatly. I was over the moon. Then the therapist met alone with DH and his parents. Whatever happened at that session was not good. I went to the next session with DH and the therapist confronted me. “What’s your problem with DH’s mom? She seems sweet! What has she ever done to you.” Now, DH’s mom can be sweet. She’s not a bad woman. But she is desperate for control and can be very difficult. At that point, I felt I’d been so bullied for so many years (I could give you examples that would make your toes curl), I just could not sit there and listen to how MIL was the victim. I did not return to marriage therapy. I let DH go alone. I had DH bring the children to visit in laws without me and I just tried to be pleasant around the house. We started getting on very, very well. I was fully checked back in.

For years, DH and I planned to have a third child in December of that year right after I turned 38. We continued to discuss it. Then, right after my 38th birthday, he pulled the plug on the child. I was devastated and so hurt. We went back to the first marriage therapist who he continued to see individually and she told me, “you probably wont ever have that child.” She suggested I start individual therapy with one of her associates. I agreed. I would not go back to marriage therapy with her though. I didn’t think it was appropriate that she was now both his marriage and individual therapist. DH and I went to a second marriage therapist, but I was so hurt and done by now. I quit. He kept grilling me at home, interrogating me about my whereabouts, alternating between being nice and criticizing me. His mother loomed in the background, having her tantrums.

One night, I’d had enough of the questioning. I’d never had an affair and he knew that. But he could not give me any space. I then made a decision I regret: I asked for a separation. That night I slept in the basement and he loudly stomped around taking down all of our photos. I left with the kids the next morning and went to my mother’s house. He told me I was selfish. Since I left, there were numerous times I tried to patch it up. All to no avail. He was done. His mother is there all the time now and, obviously, she hates me.

As time goes by, I see that a lot of our problems were fixable. I just had so much resentment at the time. I was so hurt, emotions were running high. But he now has no desire to fix them. I’m working with a divorce busters coach, but this feels so hopeless. We will probably be divorced in a couple months. Looking for any and all advice.