Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[Pack_19]

hi all! Sandi, Steve!

Sorry I have not been back in a while. My IC asked me to stay away from my books and other support sources for a while as we work through my fear of divorce and my difficulties in accepting W's decision. I have had a couple of open discussions with IC because she constantly reminds me W is free and the decision she has made is perfectly valid if she is out of love. On the other hand, I tell her why the hell then getting married and committing to be there in the god AND bad moments? I just try to tell her how painful it is for me and that I am not trying to influence W's mind, just saying it breaks my heart to be promised in front of God and family to be there with you through it all to then throw the towel and blame the other person for ALL the problems.

Anyways, enough with my misery! I am better and I am not so better at the same time. I have moments, just yesterday I spent 30 mins crying on the bed because I started thinking about how much my life has changed in a year and how painful it is that W has kicked me out of her new life.

With IC we are focusing on my fears towards D and how childish these are and the reasons why I am in a passive contemplative position towards separation and the things I can do to improve my life with the kids that are under my control. For example, this month I bought tones of new clothes for the kids, but they are now staying at home and never going in the suitcase as they leave home. I had a chat with my L because I feel like I am paying alimony and on top of that I bought all the school material, school clothes, new sport shows... She told me I probably think by sending her these new clothes with the kids I am trying to win her and that I will not win her that way, only if she wants me to win her. I told her my idea is that my children have good clothes when they are with me and her if possible but then she went on to explain in shared custody I should only worry about the clothes they wear when they are at my home and if W is spending the alimony on other things that are not the kids, this will turn against her eventually. This same thing extrapolates to all beyond clothes.

So I started making my house a nice place for me and them. W tried to get me into an argument about school clothes because the official school clothes are quite expensive for what they are and she wanted to buy only the basic and necessary thing. I ended up buying the whole thing and S7 was super happy to have clothes with the school badge on them, this cost me an argument with W. She called me aggressively on the phone and I told her I had bought that and she didn't have to pay and that I never wanted to talk to her about either the past or money because it only hurts us.

Running and tennis and now the bike are on full mode. Yesterday I went to an Adidas shop to buy some running t-shirts, man I love the things they make for runners! I have my eye on a couple of M2 competition cars in Germany. As soon as I can sell the house there I am taking one home, putting some roof racks on it and exploring Spain with my 2 monsters. I have been complimented at work for the last project, I put out a couple of big fires in front of the customer and my manager has agreed to work with my towards a promotion even though it will be slow, that is a win for me now. I try to talk to women but I still dont have the confidence, even though I notice women looking at me differently, it is just not there. I meet three girlfriends of a good friend of mine 2 weekends ago and I was cheerful with drinks and ended up talking about cars and more cars, not sure if they liked me but one of them was keen to talk to me! hahahaha

The worst part is working from home alone. Being at home it is very easy to let all those negative thoughts in my head and feel down, think if W has been with other men an how much that hurts, think that maybe I never get a second chance or that my children never get a conventional family. I try to remind me to be patient and focus on myself, but things with W have not changed. Last Sunday as we exchanged the kids I left the first one, I did not wait for her to go out as she was leaving her home to go to her parent's and as I was getting in the car she said in a spiteful way "thanks for holding the door for me..." I tried to ignore it but it did hurt and my instinct was to think "I have done a million things for you over the last 10 years and I never expected a thank you, I am not in that role anymore", maybe that was my frustration talking. There is no interaction between us and when there is it is her sending an email about money, I am ready to give up but my values and moral ask me to be patient and fight for my M by being the best man I can be.

She is still in support mode with her cousin, probably going out and going to parties when not with the kids but I cant do anything about that. Her speech has now changed to Pack it has been over a year, accept it and stop thinking we are ever going to talk or do anything together. This hurts a lot, but that is not my job in the M now, I dont care what she says from the ugly place she is in.

I am reading "The multi orgasmic man" and working on exercises to separate ejaculation from orgasm and I am very excited about this because I have always been very humble about my abilities in bed and I think this could really help me. With S7 I started playing the cooperative Lego Ninja Go game in PS4 and he is so loving it, we have a great time and now that we are back in half-quarantine in Spain because of COVID, it is a good plan to have. His teacher told me he is working much better now and that was a small victory for me since I have been sitting with him and focusing on getting him back to a healthy homework routine. The other day for example W gave them back to me at 20:30 and he told me they had spent the afternoon having a drink with mom's colleagues and his homework were not done. I sat down with him at 22 to do them and I sent a PM to W saying "Our son has homework everyday, try to sit down with him even if you only have the afternoon, thank you". I really feel like they are a lower priority for her now, old clothes, not giving a f@ck about homework routine, all day long out with them on bars and parks... I am trying to give them all the home stability and peace I think children need but also going out with them or playing sports, I feel like the mom and not the single outgoing man I should perhaps be but the truth is not amount of drinks or new women are going to give me what there is to have from my two children, I hope a good woman can see and respect that in the future.

Sorry for the long paragraph and for being absent so long. I needed detox from thinking about W having As, me being a control freak, me talking to S7 about how I love his mom, crying on my desk every single day and thinking if I can look good enough maybe I can create some curiosity on W....

The only path to R I have is for her to choose it and as time passes it becomes more and more obvious she has closed that door. I am cheerful with my kids, with friends, at work and when I am out running but deep inside myself I know I still have a big fat whole in my heart because despite all of our problems and my mistakes I never stopped loving her and I never imagined we would be here. It demolishes my self esteem to be ignored, accused and despised by the woman I chose to be my life partner and the mother of my children. I am moving slowly, and I dont care, because I know what I am learning in IC, here and with my books (she so many times has laughed at) will make me such an attractive and fun man, I will eventually make some woman the happiest she can be, but for that I need to be the happiest I can be first.

I will finish the post with something my IC has asked me for, here are the fears I have towards divorce that have kept me in that inaction place, I am afraid of:

> not having the chance to make up for my mistakes
> not giving my children the full and happy family they deserve
> W being involved with other men and starting a new family
> never having again such a promising career as I had in Munich due to being in Sevilla working remotely now
> not being able to remove the communication, empathy and relationship weaknesses I have
> never being fully happy again because of knowing I hurt the person I was meant to love the most and carrying this with me as a penalty
> thinking I failed in caring for those things that really matter in live and I will treasure the most when I leave this world
> becoming a selfish b@stard as a result of so much focusing on myself and my happiness

I will finish with the opening lines of a song by Evanescence I love, my immortal:

"I'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all my childish fears
and if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
cause your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal,
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase..."

Thank you all, I needed to take a step back and recharge my GAL batteries to leave W be. I am very unsure how my future looks in relationship terms but for sure I am going to be a new better man!