This reminds me of the loop that H and me were in.
I'd keep acting out anger and distress until I got empathy, and he kept acting out defensiveness and lashing out until he felt safety. I didn't have 'safety' to give him ('you won't have to see how angry and hurt I am') and he didn't have empathy to give me ('you must be so scared and upset because of how terribly I've behaved').
I think it was probably more extreme (I don't hear you say your H is behaving the way mine did, at his worst) but the energy in what is happening feels the same.
And you can't give him safety from your anger and hurt without being inauthentic which destroys closeness, and he can't feel safe from your hurt and distress and anger unless he's withdrawn or dishonest or defensive or blaming, which destroys closeness.
The single only thing that helped us when we were in the very worst of this loop was separation. He was safe from my feelings. I got the care and empathy and healing I needed elsewhere. I had to accept that no matter the rights and wrongs of it, the 'shoulds' of what I might reasonably expect from a husband who had hurt me, he just was not able to offer what I needed. And he needed to accept that for the time being, he had hurt me and angered me so much by his actions that being around me was not an option for him. It was messy and one of the most extremely painful things I've ever been for but it was the only thing to do. Then when we were both less raw, slow repair work could start (and it is so slow, and still punctuated by withdrawal on his part and anxiety and distress and anger about that on mine).
Is there a way of you offering your H a bit of what he needs, even intermittently, and you also being able to get a bit of what you need from someone or something other than your husband? Would that make the loop you are in a bit less intense?
