Quotes Found on DivorceBusting (11)

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2906847#Post2906847

Telling the children:

It's not really possible to shield kids from these situations. Maybe early on, but not for long. Kids are intuitive, more than we give them credit for. They know when things are not right between their parents and if you try to hide it from them it makes them think it's their fault. So it's best to sit down with them and discuss it. What kids need to know first and foremost is that it isn't their fault, so emphasize that both of you love them, both of you support them, and no matter what happens between W and you, both of you will always be their parents and be there for them. They need reassurances more than anything. Ask them if they have any questions or concerns, and listen and validate.

She offered to me to separate or divorce, she says it is up to me. She said that there is 0% of us staying together, but if it would be easier on me we can start with a separation. She said we will not be working on the marriage during this time. My question is, do I just let us go ahead and go through with the divorce, or do I make the call to just start with the separation? Thoughts?

My thoughts are that it's HER decision, not yours. Your decision is to work on the M. If SHE pursues S or D, then you can't stop her and you won't stand in her way. But you also will not do the work for her. Look, I would absolutely not give her an "out" on this. If she tells you to decide between S and D, then no matter which you pick you've just given her permission to tell everyone "well he said this is what he wants". Don't give her the satisfaction! Tell her "I choose neither, I want to work on the M. But I understand that this is what you want and I will not stand in your way. I support your decision whatever it is." If you have a reading list, add Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" to it. A lot of it dovetails nicely with DR. He talks about "opening the cage door" for the WAS. WAS's will often say they feel "trapped" or "caged". Dobson compares the situation to a bird, it wants out of it's cage but if you open the door and it realizes it isn't trapped, it may decide it likes it in there after all. Or it may fly off and then come back, deciding it likes the safety of the cage after all. Or it may never come back, but the idea is you are stepping back and letting her decide. If she thinks you are controlling then this is a good 180.