Been following along with other stich's but decided to take a break from mine to try to get an outsiders perspective.
First off thanks to everyone on here.
So quick update,
Detachment is coming along finally.
I went strict NC for a month.
Eventually I responded after wife told me she had decided she wanted a divorce and wanted to talk about finalizing it. we met for dinner. I said I understand that's her decision and wont fight her on it. We set a date to meet at the courthouse. I was actually fine with this as I have pretty much let go. I would say I'm about 80% detached. ( Uncontested divorce in my state requires both parties be present) She cancels and says she's not ready to get a divorce.
She asks to talk. I agree. She asks if we can try MC. I told her if she can say she is fully recommitted to trying to work on our relationship and she is done with OM then I'm on board.
She says she cant commit to either one of those things and so I say no to marriage counseling.
She then says she does not know what to do or what she wants. So nothing has changed.
Part of me is leaning towards just telling her we need to file. I think her not being able to make those commitments is a decision in itself.
Other part of me is leaning towards going back to NC and giving her more space and time.
Looking for some help here.
First, congrats. I think you've been doing a good job here. The NC, the embracing the D, all of that had the effect we often tell LBSs it can have. DBing to save yourself sometimes saves the marriage.
Your WW is a typical WW. She wants her cake and eat it to. She didn't like the loss of control she was feeling over you so she floated the D. She expected you to beg, plead, cry etc, like you did on BD. When you didn't, she hedged and backed away from D.
What this tells me is that she is not ready to move on from Plan B (you) yet. More than likely because Plan A (OM) isn't completely solid yet. Maybe OM hasn't left his W, or is only calling her when he wants some booty, or she detects she might not be his only OW. Etc. So when she floats D, and you are like "Ok, do it." Then she backs off and floats MC as a means to reattach you. When you stand your ground and say "Not until you recommit to the marriage and OM is out of the picture, she hedges again because she isn't ready to go that far with her ruse.
My advice is always the same. Give her more time and space. Continue to be NC. But have a drop dead date. "I will give her until X date (usually a year past BD but that isn't hard and fast). If she isn't fully recommitted back to the marriage then I will go file." Then in the meantime work on continuing to detach so that when X date arrives you are ready to be D'd.
The problem a lot of LBSs have is that they go file for D because they think "maybe that will wake her up and make her recommit to marriage." Your goal should be to be ready on X date to go file when she doesn't, of her own volition, come back ready to recommit doing all things necessary to prove that (cease and desist letter to OM, full transparency, MC, IC etc).
SO if you aren't ready to be D'd, and therefore aren't ready to file, what date can you work towards to that end?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That all makes a lot of sense. Thank you for taking the time to write that out.
I originally had set a date in my mind of 1 year. Which would be june 2021.
I just feel like no progress has been made at all. We both seem to be detaching from each other more and she is still going steady with OM.
I guess a lot of my hope that it could turn around has gone away.
Even when I talked to her recently, she seems like a completely different person. I know that's what you tell us on here but its weird to see with someone I've known for so long.
Stop the "hope", your R is gone and W1.0 is dead. Maybe set a new date and this time ONLY focus on you. Your improvments and your life. What do you want to do in your new life? Work towards being ready to file (as Steve said) and if things are still the same when the new date comes, file.
In regards to LH post about D not being the end. I told the first "non-close" person a few weeks ago what is happening. She just laughed and said, "Yeah we also did that after we got married. Then we got back together and had our third" (As in third child)
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Last edited by job; 10/27/2008:13 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
