Today my wife mentioned to me that in assessing our 5 year old, she took a test for adult autism. Of course it’s inconclusive until checked by a professional, but she scored a 7 out of 10 on the Aspergers (now outdated) scale.
She has long suspected that she might have some autism spectrum traits, and I have had my suspicions... but it just hit me like a ton of bricks to hear that she actually placed that high.
The reason this hits me so hard is that I’ve long worried about not only her willingness to return to a semblance of a full, reciprocal relationship, but also her CAPACITY. This just hits me really hard... it gets me right in that little pocket of hope that I keep close by, that she might not ever be able to return to the woman I love. Or perhaps that she never was capable of being that person.
I do know that she loved me deeply and unconditionally for years. We built our life on that. But in my suspicions, I’ve read many accounts of people married to Aspies who say after a major life event (childbirth, etc), a switch was flipped and they never came back. They all say the same thing - even if you think it might get better, dont walk, RUN away from that relationship because they will never love you back the way you need.
I’m holding on to hope so hard here folks. I’m just having a very hard time seeing it right now. The future feels bleak.
