Three things that helped me immensely the last couple years:

1. Mind-reading: Waste of effort. It's so easy to look at somebody's actions or words and assume one knows what the other person is thinking. This is especially true in troubled relationships.

2. Narratives: Everybody journeys through life telling themselves little stories to help make sense of their reality. People cling to their narratives like barnacles on a boat. Some people in crisis (such as the deterioration of a MR), can look inwards, take responsibility for their role in the conflict in their lives, and come out stronger. Change is possible, but not easy, and the vast majority of people don't make lasting changes because it requires rewiring how you think, act, behave. It requires accepting responsibility and editing the narrative. That is HARD. It is an act of ego destruction. And similar to mind-reading, it is wasted effort to try to convince somebody else that their narrative is "wrong".

3. Villain / Victim: False narratives. It's easy to feel like a victim, or to assign my X as the villain, or both. Deciding to be the victim is deciding to be powerless and to hand over agency of my life to some mysterious obscure outside forces. Similar, deciding my X is a villain is letting go of my agency over my life. "Poor me, look at what this evil person is doing to me, destroying my life." Whatever she is doing is what she feels is best for her life.

I don't understand why my X does the things she does. I know it makes sense to her. I don't worry about it, and I deal with it as it comes. I assume it's her way of dealing with life. I feel so much stronger b/c I don't worry what might happen anymore. I don't care about her version of reality. Yes, a lot has been destroyed. I can't control that. At times I am frustrated and wish we could all just move on. But I accept it is what it is, for now.

I also check myself regularly -- this is not about trying to be the "bigger" person. I'm not trying to be any better than my X. I'm just worried about what I can control.