I don't often have down days anymore but I'm in my feelings tonight.
Is it better to have had a family and lost it, or never had it to begin with? I've been raising this child on my own since he was 15 months old. But in reality I never had an equal partner from the day he was born. I feel horrified that his father has once again rejected him by ghosting this latest round of custody negotiations. I feel cheated out of sharing my son's childhood with his father. There will never been a family holiday, or Christmas, or birthday party. My son will never have a full sibling, and I'd be surprised if he has any siblings at all. I don't want to have a child with a different man, but I might have had another child with X. That choice was taken away. I know that me and S2 are a family together, yes. My family of origin are just down the road so we aren't isolated. But I see my younger stepsister and her husband and S1 at family events and I feel envious. X-SIL has her husband and two kids and I'm not allowed to be their aunty anymore. So many people have been hurt by the actions of one selfish man. He has never once looked back at the destruction he has caused. I know he svcks and I don't want him back. But to not even give his wife or son a backward glance? Did we mean that little? I know it's not about me or anything I've done (or not done), it's about him and his character. His complete nonchalance and minimisation of what he's done scares me. The betrayal of the affair is whatever, she can have him. But being abandoned so totally in an instant has rewritten the very cells in my body with lifelong trauma. Other spouses do waffle, try to come back, express confusion, or at the very least check in with the ex-spouse and children. Even though I no longer love him, being ghosted by my spouse has permanently altered the fabric of my soul. I don't even want to contemplate how my son will feel when he grows up. I've always been staunch on telling children the age-appropriate truth, but I'm starting to feel that I can never tell the truth to my son for fear of damaging his own soul. Falling in love with another woman is at least understandable. But how do you process the fact that your own father doesn't want you? The reality is that he'll internalise his father's abandonment without me having to explain anything at all. I will say that reading about DnJ's children gives me hope. Thank you DnJ.
Thank you for reading this Sunday night stream of consciousness.
