The decision to not invite H was for your wellbeing, not punishing H.
Rock solid boundaries are excellent in theory. However, like most theoretical things, when putting them into practice a little give and take is sometimes required. Is this one of those times? I’m not sure it is. I’m not sure it isn’t.
Your children feeling responsible for Dad’s emotions, for his happiness, is of course troubling. People (Dad) are responsible for how they themselves feel. No one else is responsible. It may do good for child having Dad miss the party. To realize that Dad is still around and that they made it through as well. I do not think Dad’s absence would over shadow the fun-filled day.
It is interesting the birthday child wants Dad there. That he would feel bad for his Dad if he were left out. It would be so much better if child wanted Dad there because they love him, and he’s lots of fun, and they have such a good time.
Your children do sound like they are in touch with their feelings. Understanding and expressing how they are angry with Dad. Expressing how Dad left to find his happiness causing much hurt along the way.
Yes, they are children, and they don’t yet say anything to cause Dad to feel bad or sad. They cannot risk loosing him. However, they will grow, and they will eventually speak their minds and hearts.
The relationship between child and father is their’s. It is not your job to facilitate it. It is your job to not destroy it.
As I said, theory and practical sometimes don’t quite align. There is your wellbeing, the children’s wellbeing, the growth of you and them, and the example you are setting for your children. For they are watching and learning. How should one, how does one, behave during these times is being imprinted and will have an affect upon their relationships. Hence kindness and compassion, especially for one’s self.
So, after much rambling, what you stated is perfect. Clearly state and hold to your expectations for H - if he is invited. I am really on the fence.
I am a hopeful person. Usually looking to see the best within all the possibilities. To that, talk to H, laid out the expectations clearly, and invite him.
Conundrums, concerns, and problems are put in our way to help us grow. All we can do is the best with what we have. Given birthday child’s request, I think inviting Dad will be the path of lesser regret. It is kind and compassionate. Let’s hope H makes the best of it.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
