If I don't allow H to come, birthday child will feel like he has to make it up to H emotionally. Birthday child won't feel he is able to share stories of the fun and exciting things that happened at his birthday because it would hurt H that he wasn't there. So then my child is back in the position of stuffing down his emotions to please H.
It sounds a little to me like you are imagining if H comes it is going to be this perfect birthday, and if he doesn’t come it will not— or, at least, the aftermath will not.
It is awful that your child has to have these mental gymnastics about something as straightforward as his birthday. But I want to gently challenge you on this. Your H could come and be a jerk and your son may then feel guilty about asking that he was there (if he’s shouldering the burden of his father’s happiness, even if you haven’t done a single thing to make him feel responsible he may feel the burden of yours as well). He could be monitoring your H the whole time to see how much he talks to you and if he’s having fun and then doesn’t focus on it being his day. H could behave beautifully and then the children start to think maybe he will come home.
I just think it is a big assumption that your son will actually be happier or better off with H there. Yes, it may very well be that he won’t be able to enjoy it uncomplicatedly because your H isn’t there. It very well may be impossible for him to enjoy it uncomplicatedly NO MATTER WHAT, because of the bomb your self-centered H has thrown into all of your lives. That is not on you. That is on him.
Also, this is your decision, not your son’s— you are the parent and the adult and if you choose to have H celebrate his birthday another time, you can make it crystal clear that it was not your son’s call, so he doesn’t need to feel responsible.
(((sage)))
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
