Birthday child asked about the plans for his birthday and whether H will be there or not. Before I could answer, he said he wanted H there, that he would feel bad for his dad if he was left out. I said that I wasn't sure that was going to happen, that I had some hesitations, but that I would talk to H.
Here's the conundrum for me: H has so much guilt surrounding abandonment (he was abandoned as a very young child in boarding school). My children do not. It has been a huge issue in our parenting approaches over the years-- he smothers them with his guilt, projecting it onto them, even though they have never felt abandoned by him. It has come up in the children's therapy over the past year, that they feel responsible for his emotions and if they don't reciprocate or 'take care of him' emotionally, that they are somehow bad or not good people.
At this moment, my children are in a position of feeling lots of anger towards H and are very emotionally sophisticated. They have expressed anger at how he is leaving 'to be happy' but in the process, he has made so many people unhappy (me and them) and he is only thinking of himself (not to mention they don't think he's happy). But at the same time, they feel responsible for his happiness and won't say anything to him that may cause him to feel bad or sad.
So, back to the birthday. If I don't allow H to come, birthday child will feel like he has to make it up to H emotionally. Birthday child won't feel he is able to share stories of the fun and exciting things that happened at his birthday because it would hurt H that he wasn't there. So then my child is back in the position of stuffing down his emotions to please H. And just a little background here: child's birthday falls on a very fun kids' holiday here in the US, and has always had his birthday overshadowed by this holiday. This is the first birthday ever where normal activities for this holiday are not happening due to Covid, so all the excitement and energy is now on birthday child. His friends are ecstatic, he is ecstatic and it's likely this is the only birthday in his remaining childhood where he will have this level of attention solely on him on his actual day.
I am not sure I am capable of putting my child through this no matter what I feel about H being there.
H hasn't mentioned it this weekend, but I am sure he will at some point today. My thoughts are to tell him that it is important to our child that he is present, but that my house is a sacred place these days where love, friendship and kindness are welcome. That even if we have to fake it, the only way he can be present is if all resentment, anger and insecurities are left at the door and friendship prevails.
