(((Cardinal)))... Yep...the rewriting of history is pretty stunning sometimes. But it is what they have to do to feel “good” about what they are doing. It has nothing to do with you or what you know to be the reality. No marriages are perfect. SSM’s happen (most of the time) when one or both spouses stop “dating” each other. It happened in my marriage even though my H and I were very compatible in that regard and had a great sex life in the beginning. But after we had kids and they became the focus, we (notice I said “we” and not “I”) stopped paying attention to our relationship and our sex life was the first casualty. I remember being very aware of it at the time and feeling responsible for it even though it wasn’t like he was trying to initiate anything and I was rejecting him. That rarely, if ever happened. When we did have sex, I would remind myself “Oh yeah...I do like sex” and resolve to not let too much time pass before it happened again. Then I would blink and weeks had passed. And then the last four years...he was essentially gone so it became a moot point. You can’t have sex with a ghost. Anyway...when BD happened, I blamed myself for this part but realistically, it was a two-way street and we were both responsible for letting it happen. I feel better about my part knowing that at least I didn’t abandon him and my kids to another “secret” life. I was in it for better or for worse and I can hold my head up high in that regard. He cannot.
Fast forward two years and I am in a new relationship and we have a great connection that way. We are both loyal and honest people and have learned a lot from our previous relationships and we talk about things XH and I never talked about...directly and honestly. That bodes well for the future, I think. Time will tell but I just want to encourage you to move forward as best you can and don’t take too much responsibility for the demise of your marriage. He had a big part to play and unlike you, he decided to fix things by cheating and lying. You, too, can hold your head up high.
RE: MIL. Yes it is a fine line to walk and one I have been walking for awhile. XH lied to his mom as much as he lied to me for all those years and treated her like crap. She consistently went to me if she needed to ask him something because he would snap at her. He had all of us walking on egg shells. When BD first happened and she found out about his affair and all of his lies, her response was to tell me that I am better off without him. She wasn’t wrong. I am in a unique position because she and I own our home together and she lives in a suite in the lower level. She helps me with the kids and is a support. BUT...she is XH’s mom and he is her only child and a mom’s love is unconditional so they still spend time together and she has accepted OW as his partner. That was initially a bitter pill to swallow but I’m over it. My relationship with her is separate from her relationship with XH and OW. No matter what, I am still the mother of her grandchildren so OW will not and has not replaced me. We have a friendship that stands on its own. She still joins me and the kids for family dinners and has Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners with us and my sister and BIL as well as XH and OW. She also LOVES my new boyfriend as she thinks he is the kind of person that I deserve to have in my life.
If you want to have a relationship with your MIL, you should reach out to her. But other than acknowledging the end of your relationship and maybe your regret that things turned out the way they did, you should avoid talking about her son and his OW. That’s a path you don’t need or want to go down. It would make things awkward and ultimately, if you force her to choose sides, she will have to go with her son. My MIL and I rarely talk about XH. We don’t need to. She knows the truth (she witnessed it firsthand) but she also loves her son and she is in her 80s and needs her life to be peaceful and drama-free so she has chosen to forgive and forget. I do not fault her for that in the least as I’m sure it is what I would do if I were her.
Anyway...I know things are really hard right now Cardinal. I promise you that once you have the business of your divorce over with, your healing will go much quicker. There IS life after divorce and it can be a great one if you make it that way. (((HUGS)))
