Oh my goodness. He checked the box - fraud. Lol. Sometimes you just need to see the humorous side of things. Although it is simultaneously quite sad for him. Imagine trying to erase your own past. He is a lost soul.
His friends that he “tells all”. Yeah, of course they will agree with him. Emotionally troubled people, especially MLCers, surround themselves with enablers, people who feed his side. These are usually “new friends”, one’s who really understand them, unlike us and our old would be friends. <Barf> Lol. These people will get the boot as soon as they don’t play along with H’s fantasy.
Originally Posted by cardinal
(Also, boundary: if H ever again tries to tell me what his friends think or what he told so-and-so: NOPE, won't listen to that.)
Good!
Rock solid boundaries.
You are spot on with H. You know him best, only second to himself. Yes, he is pushing down the shame and guilt, which makes things worse and worse for him. Of course he cannot see or acknowledge that in the state he is in. He needs to run, until he tires and the pain becomes so great that he realizes maybe running isn’t the answer.
I am glad to see you understand his projection of his part in the SSM onto you. MLCers will use (abuse ?) the legal system to their advantage. Him alleging fraud has little financial significance, and stands basically no chance of becoming a binding agreement. But, it gives him a feeling of legitimacy to his feeling by seeing it on legal documents.
My XW threw away her children on the legal documents; not just once but twice. There was no need to state that again with the divorce check box sheet submission; was an addendum to the paperwork. It was just her projections upon the kids and me.
And you are correct on how seeing our situations in print is different. Having this on court documents does have a different feel to it. Makes it more real, seeing your name and H’s, and the proposal. It does emotionally push one about. Takes a few days to regain your balance.
H is irrational and deeply enthralled in his fantasy. I agree with you, there is no negotiating with him, nor much need too. Let your L handle things.
Regarding writing MIL. Sit on it for a bit. You will feel different in a few days. Write because you are doing it for more than something you are feeling.
To encourage and challenge:
MIL is not your family. If you get divorced, she is H’s mom. Do you see her and you continuing a relationship? XW’s side, her aunt and family, all said they loved me and the kids. We were welcome anytime, etc., etc. Well, blood is thicker than water. There no contact from them at all. Not to me. Not to the kids (and they are blood related). Divorce is messy and there are collateral damages.
On the other side, MIL is not your family. Her and you are, were, friends. Perhaps a friendship is wanted on both sides. There is nothing wrong with that, aside from the obvious concerns regarding H’s interference and influence. He is her son. And Mom’s love unconditionally. Well...most do; XW is a strange one.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I decided I'd like to go through with mailing her a note telling her I think of her often and that she is loved, no reply needed.
I’d remove the “no reply needed”.
If she wants to respond, it appears you’d rather she doesn’t. And in truth I think you’d like a response, but fear what she might say. Face it and fear not.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
