Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity #2

[cardinal]

Previous thread: Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity

Very quick recap: BD June 2019; M nearly 11 years, T 17. Roommates: H turns to monster mode off and on—he told me he was filing last year but never did, then said it again in July, when he also told be he had OW. Finally served papers at my work today (would have been a surprise but a co-worker was able to give me a heads up). H had his friend serve me the papers (crumpled up, folded crookedly, without an envelope), and—another surprise—he filed for an annulment, not a dissolution of marriage, because he says our SSM was a fraud. Like, he literally checked the "fraud" box as a reason. Niiiice. I'm entering the next phase of this saga, but I'm ready for it. I need to stick to my thread title and continue to look toward my values.

Believe in yourself. You’ve no need to convince or prove anyone else’s point of view wrong or right.

A timely reminder, DnJ.

I was fine with no courtesy heads up. I was fine with being served at work unnecessarily.

Because you are strong. And you know it.

Yes, I am! Another timely reminder.

This will not matter to you in two years' time. This is not part of the business transaction. Let this one go. If they don't recognize your side, they are not worthy of your time. (And a 2x4: you don't actually know this to be true, you are projecting it. Let others' opinions go right now so you can save your strength for you.)

I wish I was projecting, but H has told me many times exactly what he tells his friends and exactly what they think of me/our situation. But, yeah, why should I take his words as truth? And why should I care what these people think? They don't know me, and what they think doesn't matter. (Also, boundary: if H ever again tries to tell me what his friends think or what he told so-and-so: NOPE, won't listen to that.)

But now that he thinks he can magically erase our M with an annulment the way he has erased and rewritten it in his memory, I’m not fine.

What if there was another truth here in place of the one you suggest above? What if H is simply a selfish, lying sonofagun who doesn't want to pay you what you deserve and doesn't want to acknowledge that he has spent all that savings in the account he won't show you? What if this is simply a business transaction for H, a shady one for sure, but isn't about erasing your M, but more about not wanting to give you what you deserve post-M?

He is entitled and thinking only of himself.

Please allow this fact to give yourself permission to also only think of yourself. Because no one but you (and us!) are going to look out for you right now.

Your words are really helping me to begin to shift my thinking, Sage; thank you. I really think it's both that it's a complete business transaction for him, and he doesn't want to have to give me anything, and that he also wants our M never to have happened, but as the anger has worked its way through me, I've been able to feel some compassion for him here. I think, in part, he's gotten worse and worse (angrier and angrier, less and less rational) over the last year+ because he's had to push down a tiny realization of his part in all this. He's always built his identity on being a nice guy, a sensitive guy--a guy unlike "other guys." He's also always pushed down feelings. He's been completely incapable of expressing or sitting with his feelings. He's got to sublimate this M and our history and any feelings around it like he does everything else that's hard to deal with in his life, including looking at himself. What a horrible way to live! He's excellent at pushing stuff down and ignoring it, but either it's all going to catch up with him again, and he's going to have to work through the choices he's made (super hard), or he's going to keep pushing it down, and that's going to take a toll on him (super awful).

So far I can say I don't have any huge regrets about the choices I've made post-BD, in that I have, for the most part, acted according to my values. (Do I sort of regret giving H an apology letter early on? Probably, but I also know that was in line with my values—to admit shortcomings, to at least try to make amends. Do I regret trying to engage him convo a few months ago as if he was rational? Yes! But I didn't say anything too terrible.) Now, maybe H does have a personality disorder and will never see anything he's done as unkind because he's incapable of doing so. But deep down I suspect that he's burying a lot of shame, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

It took my very Catholic aunt YEARS to get a legal annulment for her M, and both parties were cooperative and desiring an annulment for religious reasons, therefore working together tirelessly to get the state to agree. And she lived in a conservative state. I believe you live in a liberal one where there is a lot of money and high-stakes divorces. This is a very, very, very hard path to take and another indication of what kind of L your H has retained.

I'm so glad you shared this, Sage! Part of the result of the gaslighting is that I'm like, well, maybe H is right, maybe this M was so bad it deserves to be annulled. Even though I know this is actually a crazy move.

A long-term goal is to trust yourself, your memories and know in your beliefs. If, in the short term, you have to ask others for validation, that's OK. You are reclaiming your sanity and sometimes we just need lighthouses to help guide us into the harbor.

Yes, yes, yes. I know I've come a long way, but seeing that he'd actually marked "Annulment" on the forms today was so, so triggering. H tells everyone about SSM (again, I realize he likely has some shame around this too and so has to loudly turn it into my thing in order to offload it)—it's like in his dreams I'm sitting in a courtroom telling everyone I'm a bad wife, and the judge says, "Oh, my god, you poor man, of course you don't owe her anything!" I was immediately put on the defensive again, where I have to do the opposite of DnJ's advice: I have to prove why I deserve a D and not an annulment, that our marriage was real regardless of type or amount of sex, etc etc. I have to remember that just because H marked that box and his L was okay with it doesn't mean I have to prove our M was real to H or anyone. I need to just trust myself to believe the truth. There's something about seeing it on court forms that pushed me hard into that mode again.

Anyway, I'm so glad I could come here and vent today. I've never felt it in my body like that in my life. I was like, okay, I need Wayfarer's rage room, and I need it now!

I need to transition fully to business mode. There's no point in trying to reason with H; let L deal with him. No kids, no big assets, no home ownership, and the law is clear on pension division even if H doesn't like it. I keep thinking, What issues do we have that he could waste money to fight for the long haul? I know he can draw things out by not doing anything, but... how complicated can he manage to make a pretty straightforward D? Maybe don't answer that.

Oooh, one other thought: I've been thinking of writing MIL a little note for a while now. Nothing to do with H or D, even though I would like to have that conversation some day maybe. The last I heard from her was pre-COVID, when she texted to say she will always love me. We haven't spoken since BD. One thing that helped me feel calmer tonight was just the idea of taking my anger and turning it into love; I decided I'd like to go through with mailing her a note telling her I think of her often and that she is loved, no reply needed. Should I sit on this for a while? Bad idea? Honestly, I'm kind of done caring what H would think of this.