Through the World Barefooted -- Gerda's LBS Guide

[Rita]

Insert photo of Gerda collapsed. Nothing in cabin is even remotely consistent so it took many hours to get the panels cut (to fit all these completely irregular spaces) to cover them with canvas, and I ended up having to work with the helper on this the entire time so I didn't get that far with subfloor and there are 4 x 8 foot foam panels blocking the porch.

BUT I did get a lot done. The ceilings are almost done and I put in about 1/3 of the basement worth of sublfloor and learned how to do it. Tomorrow I have to get this place in order for renters by 2 pm so I don't know if I can do anymore, esp as there is a cord of wood to stack and my limbs have turned to jelly after my long day of warrior work. I am tempted to call the guy to come and work on it for me, trying to decide if I can spend any more money on labor but it would be so nice to have it all done.

I think I am going to do some cleaning so I can sit here in a clean house with a cup of tea. But I can't get off this chair, so can you start it for me?

You are not preaching to the choir. I have no regrets about standing per se but I am still periodically awash in regrets for marrying him in the first place. I do think I loved his best self, and he could have become what I thought he was. But looking back now, I see so many things that I thought were just how men were, or how much any man would ever love me (in an extremely limited way), and I wish I had listened to what I knew. That said, God must have wanted D and S here, and so he must have big plans for them, and me too. For one thing, I don't know how I would ever have found faith, but there are many other reasons I already see God's plan for me. But the point is, I do still have regrets and grief for my kids. You have four of them, and they have each other, and grandparents and a very vibrant life. Mine don't. My family kind of fell apart and I saw my life with H as building a new family since mine was such a disaster. So mine are really really lonely, and I do have a lot of sorrow about that, and about how thin our family life seems so much of the time. But I know they love me a lot and I hope one day they will understand how hard I tried.

Thin moon over the mountain, stars blinking, dog curled in a ball on the sofa after a hard day of chasing chipmunks, the little string lights on the porch and the darkness beyond. I have no flashlight and forgot to collect kindling so I think no fire tonight.

I just noticed on the main page that a huge number of people have read this thread. It is strange because mostly it's only you, DnJ who is replying on my page! I wonder who these people are and what they see in my thread -- what they see of me, and my journey, but also how it does or doesn't help to read about it. Hey, you there, stranger who is reading my thread, what do you think of it all?