Thank you, DnJ and PLC. He is off his hamster wheel for sure. I’ve carried shame around the SSM for a long time—I’ve experienced pain issues and blamed myself, but over the last year in therapy I’ve come to see how H also did not make intimacy easy. I’ve come to see how I blamed myself for his anger too, the anger that he often said did not exist. Well, H is angry now and has been for the last year. When he decided he was unhappy and had been for our entire M, he also decided to blame all of it on me and take no responsibility for his own life. A common story here.
There are just so many new lows from him today, I can’t process it. I’ve never felt this level of anger. I’m thinking about how the papers weren’t even in an envelope, just crumpled from his (girl) friend carrying them around for who knows how long. Of course all his friends know how I’ve tortured him and never loved him and why I deserve nothing—he’s got that story down.
I was fine with no courtesy heads up. I was fine with being served at work unnecessarily. But now that he thinks he can magically erase our M with an annulment the way he has erased and rewritten it in his memory, I’m not fine. He’s living in such a fantasy. My therapist laughed and said if this was the case, people would get annulments all the time—after affairs, after waking up one day after 20 years of M and not loving their partner anymore, etc. she couldn’t believe a L had signed off on it.
The worst part is I have needed all of these people to tell me today that he is crazy and that, yes, our M happened and he was a co-creator of it; they saw how he loved me—I didn’t force him to stay in a M and “suffer.” I’ve needed people to tell me that I don’t deserve this. His narrative still has a little power over me, and I don’t like it.
I want to call his mom and say WTF is your son doing? I want to throw his stuff out. Change the locks. All things I won’t do. And I really want to scream something at him to make him see how unnecessarily cruel he’s being. The worst part is that he doesn’t see it and can’t.
