Once again, thank you all for the kind words and advice. I’m just going to keep saying it.
Before I answer specifics, I wanted to clarify my situation for those who don’t want to read back to page 1.
My wife isn’t asking for a divorce. She’s suggested it twice (in April and June), both times as a projected outcome of the relationship because she’s “committed to never having sex again in her life,” and she “knows I need it in mine - so we will have to get a divorce because I’m not changing my mind.” Both times were in direct response to me saying I wasn’t ok with abusive language about unrelated topics. Both times she has said “I’m not asking for one, it’s just what I want right now.”
Since then, we’ve moved, but there is no talk of separation, divorce, or splitting. She makes plans like we will still be together in 6 mos, a year, two years (stray comments, house stuff). She is very affectionate with the kids, but keeps me at arms length. There have been no relationship discussions, but also no move to become closer or to address the elephant in the room. She brings me food and chats and tells me her problems. But also never says goodnight or good morning, and is intentionally cold most of the time. Roommates.
I’m sure most LBH are confused. I’M confused. Also, I’m not. LBH. I’m still here, she’s still here, there’s no separation. But we are also not talking about the thing that is sitting right here. Does she want to stay or go? Does she want a permanently cold marriage?
That more than anything is what’s pushing me, making me want to say, not “I love you why are acting like this,” but “what even is this thing that’s going on? Are you staying or going? This is very weird and not mentioning it is making it weirder.”
Maybe this is textbook pursuing. If so, hit me with the hose or the spray bottle. I can only speak from what’s on my mind, it just seems so incredibly grey and blurry. That’s where I get confused, a lot of people say “the marriage is dead at BD.” But... WAS I BD’d? Or was it a flyby? Was that a false alarm?
It has also been said that “after BD” one should withdraw as much emotional support as possible to keep the WAW from becoming complacent. But in our situation, I feel like withdrawing support would be devastating, it would be intentionally tanking the ship.
These are just stray thoughts. I’m still pursuing my GAL activities. Will update more soon.
