Fumbling my way forward

[TJT]

I at least think he may need some anger management

He is not a super romantic

the reason I've stuck with him is because typically he will do the tiniest things to adjust that I recognize are not in his usual nature and that show me he is trying.

Does it? Or is he doing the “tiniest thing” = bare minimum to get you to stop asking him for whatever it is you need?

Trust me, this was something that earlier in the relationship I actually brought up directly. We are very different, and I wanted to make sure this wasn't just for convenience or something to meet his needs. I know his history as well and have talked to his friends and family (who love me and have attested to how much he has grown with me) and while I won't claim to know 100% for sure, I don't think this is his intent and it is more of a character flaw related to his ego more than his respect for the relationship. And with not being super romantic... my XH was MEGA romantic and that apparently didn't mean anything in the long run when it came down to it. It's different, and I am simply trying to respect and understand my SO as a person before I make a lasting judgment on whether he is committed to me.

There’s a HUGE difference between DBing to save a marriage, and DBing a dating relationship. Sounds to me like there are bigger issues here than just an inappropriate ex girlfriend.

Yes, I think I've fairly openly acknowledged that.

This early in a relationship things should be really GOOD. Your partner should be appreciating you for your great qualities. (And they are great qualities). But you might be trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. This is a guy who has CHOSEN crazy in the past. Repeatedly, apparently. Some guys are attracted to the excitement of the drama-filled crazies (just like some women seek out the “bad boys”) and they’re not suited to a real, mature relationship with an adult human being.

Don't disagree with you at all on this. We definitely had those conversations about why he stayed with his crazy ex so long. He gave me his reasons and I established my expectations of our relationship and it's one of those things that we have left in the past (and it's not like he's always chosen crazy, it was just the most recent one before me). We are both coming from some traumatic experiences, and combined with coming from two very different upbringings (and cultures, to be clear), and having two different personalities, it's definitely not been the typical relationship trajectory. Honestly, when we first met we didn't really have expectations of what it would be... it was "let's see what happens" kind of thing and he could have definitely just stopped trying completely and gone to the next one, but we both felt we were having enough fun with each other and liked each other enough to keep going.

I should also point out that when we first started dating, we lived quite far from each other and for a while I was definitely doing the lions share of work driving out to see him. 3 months into it his roommate moved in with him (in a tiny apartment) so it wasn't ideal for us to all be together there. He is a city boy and I live in a more rural part of the community, so initially he didn't think he would want to come see me, being so far combined not being in the thick of all the action. I told him there is no way it would work if he wasn't willing to come to me more often and lo and behold, he started doing it, realized it wasn't so bad, and now lives here with me.

As far as our differences and his personality, it forces me to not be so dependent on his validation because well, he's just not going to coddle me in that way. Sometimes that causes problems and is something he needs to recognize the effects of, but there's a point where that's also something I need to work on because there's no denying I get very attached. I don't know how not to. I was alone for 6 months and while I was lonely, I was good, had my own things (I still do) and I didn't just go out and find whatever placeholder men to pacify myself. But once I do connect with someone it affects me a lot and I don't know why that is or how to change it. I can only hope that I will meet someone who will want the same kind of partnership where we each challenge each other to be the best we can be.

I may just be working in the reverse mindset that yeah, sure, every relationship usually starts out as rainbows and butterflies, but I know it takes hard work, and if someone is willing to work with me to grow closer together over time through both of our issues, that means more to me than anything else. Neither one of us is interested in rushing and making a decision about our long term future. We agree we are in a serious relationship but we also equally agree that there are some things we gotta figure out for it to get to the next level.

Sounds to me like you’re working WAY to hard to make this relationship work, when he may not be the droid you are looking for. Sounds like maybe your fear of loss is leading you to try to make this relationship work when he’s just not that great a fit for you?

Look, again to be completely honest, I don't disagree. I believe 100% I am trying harder than I should. I don't totally think that means that if I were to stop trying that he wouldn't step up. But I know that's for him to prove and not for me to say, and eventually I think that will play out. If it means anything though, that's also a conversation we've had directly. I've told him that this is the kind of person I am, which I know is a problem because it's not fair to ME, and eventually if I feel like I'm the only one really going full steam on this thing, caring fully for you and not getting it equally back, it will be the end of us. I may wait longer than I should before calling it quits, but I know for SURE that I will not go any further with this person until we are good on those values and issues we have.