A day at a time

[may22]

Hi Alison,

Thank you for sharing all of this. It sounds like things are improving for the two of you, for sure.

Question for you. When you say it was you that made the first changes, that was you becoming more assertive and enforcing your boundaries? Asking him to leave? Curious what changes you made first... and if they were during your S or after he returned.

He had been honest and transparent about the infidelity, but not about his own feelings or responsibility. I don't think he felt remotely able to while he felt I was still angry with him - it made him defensive. I don't think your job is to comfort and provide that soft landing for your H to look at himself - that's on him and that's what a therapist is for.

I feel like this is where we are, that he finally came fully clean about the infidelity but is simply nowhere near being able to address his own feelings or responsibility here. And that the safest thing for me to do is to not engage around it at least for now.

We had a minor incident today, where we were having a conversation about a friend who is Ded and dating, and the conversation somehow turned to how people during COVID times are making decisions about safe sex or not and how the whole possibility of being infected with COVID from a new partner might make people less concerned about other stuff... anyway, it made me think of my H making that decision in/re AP, and H was talking animatedly, and I just couldn't, so said hey, I'm feeling triggered, can we stop.

And he said OK. And tried to change the subject. But I no longer really felt like talking to him and so was quiet. No anger, no yelling. But he got defensive and upset and said he felt like he was in trouble. I said, what do you mean, in trouble? You aren't in trouble. He said, I always feel like I'm in trouble. I said, how do I even get you in trouble? That makes no sense to me. (Thinking, but did not say, you are not my child. I don't get you "in trouble.") I'm not angry. (I wasn't.) I'm just sad.

He said, it isn't fair for you to get so upset out of the blue about something I said. You're the one that brought up the topic in the first place. (I had, kind of.) I said, I'm not upset about something you just said. I'm upset that you had an affair and f-ed someone else. I think that is normal, for me to be upset about that. It would be weird if I didn't feel that way. He was quiet for awhile, then went and put on his wedding ring (it was off from surfing in the morning) and came and said to me he wasn't happy with how this afternoon had gone. I didn't have any response. He wasn't apologizing, that's for sure. I think he just doesn't know how to handle any of this.

Anyway. I've felt triggered the last couple of days. I had a FB memory pop up from three years ago, where I was sharing that H was on a volunteer mission in Texas repairing houses after the floods and proud of him and encouraging people to donate to the group that he was with. That was where he met AP. Three years. (They didn't start the A right away, but flirting etc. for sure... I snooped a long time ago on his cell phone from back then and found their text exchanges in the weeks after.)

Part of me feels like the discomfort is a good thing for him-- and yet it feels really pathetic that even that little discomfort of making him think about the A gets blamed on me. Seems like there is a LOT that gets stirred up pretty easily, just at the surface, and he clearly does not like feeling those feelings. It was funny that he characterized me as being "so upset" and implying that I ruined the day by getting so upset, when all I did was go quiet. Projecting, much?

But, not my work... I have enough on my plate, since I also dislike the feelings of rejection and anger and grief that surface in these moments, and need to process them and find a way to get past them, eventually.

In terms of physical intimacy, we agreed not to have sex during the conversation about what this R attempt would look like. I don't really want to until I feel he is over AP. He said to me back in June when they were back in contact that he felt uncomfortable with sex and I decided that just don't want any part of that, right now. I don't think it will be good for my own feelings and identity around sex. That being said, we have, here and there, mostly after an evening of cocktails and conversation. I never initiate and I won't, not for now, but if I feel interested I'll engage if he initiates. So I don't really think there is any opportunity to address the SSM in any meaningful way between the two of us anyway in terms of actions.

One last thought about the dishonesty... I think he really, really believes that he is no longer dishonest and therefore that issue is in the past for him. It is like the dishonesty is no longer affecting him, therefore it no longer exists. (Same, to a certain degree, about the A itself... since he is no longer engaging in an A, he feels somehow righteous now that he's decided to do the right thing.) Zero awareness or consideration for the long tail of consequence in terms of how those past behaviors may still affect me today. Still, clearly, stuck in his own head.

But, I've decided I'm not going to worry about whether or not he is trustworthy. No need until he is over AP and remorseful and ready to start piecing, if he ever is. If and when we get there, I'll worry about that.