well, that's how I saw it at the time - and because I saw it that way, that was the feelings that I had. And those feelings got me grumpy and withdrawn and critical and all sorts. But I think actually what was happening was that H feared disappointing me, and he wanted to want to be intimate more, but he was afraid of my reaction if he was truthful with me, he didn't know what the truth of it for himself was, and it was easier - amongst all the other stress of work and young children - to avoid the matter. And the more he avoided, the more I felt rejected and the more critical and pursuing I became, and so the less attractive to him, and over the years these positions became very entrenched. What I thought of it at the time is not what I think about it now: I am more able to see his point of view (though I still do get very hurt and angry and feel rejected at times - and underneath that is a whole lot of fear - it is a work in progress as you can see by my last posts in my own thread!) and sometimes (not all the time) I am able to take who he is less personally - which puts a lot more air and grace and compassion into the situation.
I did read Come as you Are. I didn't find it as useful as I thought - though I can imagine for someone feeling less educated or positive about their body it would be hugely positive. I did find The Sex Starved Marriage Book really helpful - more for understanding my H's point of view on things (he is more talkative about that, and we do manage to speak about it without blame more often than we did, but it is still such a delicate matter. It helped me understand WHY it was such a delicate matter - that I felt there was something wrong with me that he didn't want it, and he felt I was constantly pointing out that there was something wrong with him (not attractive!) and we both would tend to get defensive when it wasn't needed. That really helped.
I don't know how or if you want to or even if it is the right time to address the SSM for yourself. I don't have experience of being in your exact shoes. And I do think Ginger is right - your H has a massive, massive problem with dishonesty and until he makes some proper attempts to explore why that is without blaming it on you (even though of course you both provided the context where the choice to be dishonest made sense to him, it was still a free choice he made that is totally his responsibility) then I can't imagine how you'd be able to be authentically vulnerable with him.
In my marriage, it actually took me changing first to make any impact on my H. He had been honest and transparent about the infidelity, but not about his own feelings or responsibility. I don't think he felt remotely able to while he felt I was still angry with him - it made him defensive. I don't think your job is to comfort and provide that soft landing for your H to look at himself - that's on him and that's what a therapist is for.
But I can say there were small changes that H as the LD partner made that helped me heal a little and our marriage improve. He was more attentive to my feelings of rejection, and when he was tired or unable, he did - not all the time, by any stretch - but sometimes - actually verbalise things like 'this isn't you, this isn't because I am angry with you or wanting you to do something or be something else. This is because I am really tired.' He also started expressing a desire for me to sleep with him (in our bed) and come to bed at the same time as him. This really meant a lot to me, and I think it must have been a pretty scary thing for him to ask for, given that I might have taken that as a prelude to contact he wasn't able or ready to have - it felt like a turning-toward. I have been so primed to be sensitive to any possible turning-away that I got hyper-vigilant about it and I had to train myself to notice his turning-towards.
And I think it is extremely appropriate that you have boundaries - really firm boundaries - with a man who has demonstrated he's so consistently dishonest. And those boundaries might feel like more turning-away to a HD partner who has been hurt by rejection in the past. But that's the way it has to be right now between the two of you.
I don't think H and me could have got to the place we are (and I'm really, really not speaking from a great marriage - just a bruised and slowly slowly slowly improving one) without that period of separation. Where he was free from what he felt was constant criticism, and I was free from what I felt was constant rejection. There needed to be the space so we could heal separately. He lived elsewhere for about seven - maybe eight months (a bit longer, actually, I think) and it wasn't long enough. A year would have been better.
Anyway - just some thoughts, probably better for my own thread but I can't find it!
