Fumbling my way forward

[TJT]

Is this man that you are currently dating the one that you were dating near the end of those last posts? Doesn't really matter, other than I am just curious.

It is the guy I met after I dated a guy for two weeks. I'd have to go back and look for sure if I mentioned this one, but I think the answer to your question here is yes.

You say this guy has been in a very jealous and controlling relationship before, but you aren't like that and yet you keep talking about how you keep trying to get him to talk about this girl and it bothers you that he won't.

Maybe I am not explaining correctly. I am verbalizing how I feel here on this forum, and the specific instances where I have mentioned / tried to have discussions with my SO about her. However when you say "I keep trying to get him to talk about this girl", that is not true. I do not constantly badger him about her. If a situation comes up (like as in the case of this baby shower) then of course I try to discuss with him. I think part of the issue is that when it FIRST was a discussion (again prompted by me seeing him tagged in inappropriate things by her), it was not really tied out since he gets so frustrated, so when interactions with her happen again, my unresolved feelings on it and a subsequent conversation happen again.

I mean, I understand you are not like her and you do not like her, but you don't know her and only know what she portrays on social media. And, if you aren't friends with her and don't know her, why are you so concerned with what is on her social media?

I only became concerned about it when I started seeing her tag my SO in things. Naturally I checked out the rest of it to attempt to get to know this person (trying to give benefit of the doubt) but there was nothing redeeming.

And, if you really aren't trying to be jealous and controlling and he's told you that it is nothing, just friends, then why are you acting so jealous? Again, I'm sorry if that is harsh, but that is kind of the picture that I get from what I'm reading.

I do have a pretty hard time digesting this. I feel like I'm being told that there is no valid reason for not liking someone or perhaps at times feeling a little insecure without being characterized as a controlling jealous completely deflated maniac....or that nobody has ever held a negative opinion of someone that they have not been personal friends with. I guess if that's the case, then sure, that's me. I gave the reasons that made me wonder about things or contribute to those feelings, as well as my own logic and things I've acknowledged that don't serve me. I feel like I'm being reasonable and wonder if this just goes back to the fact that obviously I'm vomiting my feelings here because it's the topic of the hour for me, but it's not like this is something I am constantly crazed about and looking for every opportunity to confront my SO about.

My overall point here is that if he's told you they just have a casual friendship, it might not even register with him that he should be telling you that every time she calls, so it may not be that he is deliberately trying to hide it, but rather, just doesn't think it is that important in the grand scheme of life.

Yes, I do see that, it's just that we had talked about it after 2 things happened: 1) early in our relationship when he met her for lunch, he failed to tell me that they didn't just meet... he went and picked her up at her place, which I found out later... and then 2) he had previously deleted some of their convos. So we had an explicit conversation about transparency, not in the sense that I need to know every conversation they have, but that obviously it's important for me to not feel like he's actively hiding stuff. That's the context/benchmark for why I consider it a bigger deal if he's been continuing to talk with her and still not even mentioning it. However the reality is (confirmed by him yesterday) that they aren't actually talking that much anymore, and I am perfectly fine with how he has characterized the interactions they do have at this point.

You mentioned that you go to counseling together and if I understood what I read, you said you got him to agree to it early on to work through problems and grow together. Is this something that he wanted to do too or did he just agree to it because it was important to you? Is it possible that you may be projecting some of the old feelings from your marriage and subsequent divorce on him? You don't have to answer any of that if you don't want to. I mean, you don't have to spell it out here for me...I was just curious because that came to mind several times as I read through your post.

I don't know if I can answer that, or really what it means if he only agreed to because it was important to me. When we discussed it, I wasn't overbearing and giving him an ultimatum like the only right answer was to do it. I explained I value communication and specifically conflict resolution because of the huge impact I saw that have on my previous relationship. I knew I wanted the person I'm with to at least be willing to work through things, with the help of counseling if needed, and even just for relationship maintenance knowing we won't always be able to sort through things alone. We also both agreed we don't want to have to rely on counseling every time we have an issue - not the intent at all. Timing wise, I asked if he'd be willing to do that at the moment we started thinking about moving in together, which was a big deal to me. I don't know if that is considered "carry over" from my divorce as again I feel it's a logical choice and not something I hold animosity toward my current SO over.

You sound like you are very self-aware and very open to taking all the necessary steps to work with someone and learn to communicate effectively for the betterment of your relationship and those are awesome qualities. Again, like kml and Deja said, go to the party with him and show everyone that he has an amazing lady on his arm that he can really be proud of.

I am glad that is coming through at least. I am definitely aware and hyper critical of myself, and that's what can make me doubt my own actions sometimes since it's hard for me to know when I'm bending too much. That's also one thing I know I made a mistake doing in my marriage - I went along with things I didn't like just to not rock the boat. Maybe that's why my comments so far may be coming off too strong, because I'm trying to be better at establishing boundaries AND enforcing them. The latter part is absolutely where I struggle because I need to be okay with the fact that if I draw a boundary, and it really means that much to me, I have to be willing to accept that the other person may not be willing to make it work, and that hurts!

It is so hard, particularly when you are so fresh off your divorce to feel confident, but the best way to build your confidence up is to just walk out of that comfort zone and strut your stuff.

The weird thing is I am a very strong woman, and my SO tells me this. Even before my SO, in between XH and him, I was at a point where I felt good about myself. I went on a few dates where I didn't like the guy, but the guy was really into me and I declined subsequent dates. I have an amazing career, I am well educated, I'm not a pushover, blah blah. I care for and respect the people I love. I KNOW I bring so much value to a relationship. But I do often feel quite powerless because I have never had someone be so committed to me that they will be willing to do anything to make it work (in a healthy, not crazy way of course). If someone else doesn't see it, what does it matter? I may feel that I'm more attractive and smarter and whatever else, but it's FEAR - not jealousy or insecurity - that drives me. I am afraid of being rejected, I am afraid of my efforts going wasted, I am afraid of all of that not being "seen" and appreciated and then losing someone I love. Yet I know that if someone wants to walk away for me or not respect me that I don't want that person in my life anyway, and it may have nothing to do with me! It's just hard not to feel that way, and I almost feel like the fact that I do know I have value makes that even harder. Like, why would someone not want to make it work with me if I have so much going for me and I'm a good person and committed to making it work with them?

As far as meeting/talking to his friend who you admittedly have a negative perception of, just be polite. Kindness and manners always prevail!

This is the plan. Will let you guys know how it goes for sure.