Confused but committed, Part 2

[sandi2]

I want to caution you about something I've seen from many H's who have NGS. Not all, but many nice-guy H's want to verbally share the new information he has gleaned from the IC, DB Board, various web sites & books. The problem, however, is his W is not receptive at this time. I hear the eagerness in your posts, and there's nothing wrong with feeling encouraged. I just want you to figure out how to change yourself into a better man, without making it a discussion with her. I've seen H's who share with their W how they are working on themselves, to become a better man, etc. You know what it looks like to the W? Men can't let go of the idea they could say something that's really going to impress their W enough to turn things around, or to stop the D. Don't tell her about your revelations or that you are pursuing full transparency. It's not necessary to tell her. Do you get what I'm saying?

Is it your counselor's suggestion you pursue full emotional transparency, in order to save the MR?

One thing that I want to ask the group here: emotional transparency and honesty are new to me.

Do you have a habit of lying? Has this been an issue in the MR?

So about that honesty - if I’m pursuing full transparency, and my wife asks me if something’s wrong, wouldn’t an open and honest person say “I’m having a really hard time because our marriage and relationship are so distant right now” ?

Not blaming, not opening up a discussion, it would simply be honesty in the moment, and then I would walk away and expect no answer. Wouldn’t that be honest? How honest is “honest?” It sure seems like “honesty” and “no R talks” are in conflict. I’m curious to see what people say.

If you responded with those words, I think it would lead to a relationship discussion. IMHO, you are wanting an emotional connection with your W, and that's why you are talking about emotional transparency & honesty. This would be great if the two of you were in family therapy together. I'm not saying you should lie to her, but you need to be careful in how you state things. Your W could take this as you blaming her, or she could see you whiney & weak. Although it is an honest statement, are you sure it's the right words at the right time?

Such as the other day, when my wife came home and I was tempted to say everything had been fine with the kids, but I was instead open and honest and said “I was going to lie but this has been a nightmare.” The honesty felt good and was received well.

Nothing wrong there. No blame is pointing toward her or the relationship. If you had said something about how long she was gone, or indicated this was her fault......then she would have reacted quite differently. I'm not sure why you would ordinarily lie about the kids being no problem. She probably felt relieved to hear she wasn't the only one who has trouble handling them.

I think you just need to work on how to stay balanced with all the new information you are finding. Coming here to discuss it is a good thing.