Fumbling my way forward

[TJT]

Thanks both. I completely agree with you and that's why I said that is my "dream" - because I know that's the right thing. Feelings just suck.

I think I'm just looking for a balance in the form of validation that my boyfriend has a role to play in how I feel about his other relationships, through his behavior of being open and transparent (or not). I don't think it's just that I'm an insecure jealous blah blah. And I have definitely never told him who he can and can't hang out with. I always tell him I will never dictate what he does, but I will always tell him how I feel and expect that he has some level of respect and care for that.

To answer the question of how I would feel if he was asking the same things of me, I think I could completely understand if I had a male friend who had previously said inappropriate things to me, who I never talked to my SO about. I would have no problem being completely open with my SO about it for the exact reason that I would want to prove it's nothing to worry about and I have nothing to hide. I could recognize that yeah, he wants me to show him I am respecting our relationship and there have been some things with this other friend of mine that were not respectful and it's reasonable for me to put in a little bit of work to build that trust up in this particular scenario.

Yes he's chosen me. Yes he hasn't done anything majorly wrong. But he does have a tendency to be cagey and defensive, doesn't really foster an openness about these kind of things, and as his partner I feel it is reasonable for me to want to understand, even MORE so if he doesn't have anything to hide. Why would I not feel a little weird about him acting like it's such a huge deal to even talk to me about someone who is such a good friend? (I can actually tell you because he's told me - it's because he just doesn't want to deal with the "BS"... see next paragraph).

For even more context, he was previously in a VERY controlling relationship where the girl was truly madly jealous at everything and directly accusing him of affairs with everyone. He legitimately couldn't hang out with friends without her showing up and all kinds of crazy things. It was terrible and she even stalked him/us for a period of time when we first started dating, calling him from all different kinds of numbers, sending e-mails, making fake profiles, etc.

So, I often feel like any time I expect information on anything, which is actually within complete reason, he immediately goes into defensive mode and feels what is actually happening or what I'm actually asking is exaggerated or something it's not, and just completely shuts down, gets angry, and cannot whatsoever see why my point of view may be legitimate, let alone take a minute to just talk through it with me so we can get on the same page.

I don't come at him angry, I don't come at him in accusatory ways.. I have tried many things on my part to anticipate and mitigate his reaction, while also being true and respectful to myself and the fact that it's okay for me to have a perspective or to ask reasonable questions.

This is a big thing we acknowledged at the beginning of the relationship and which he has gotten better at, but with things like this he still is very reactive.

Anyway, it did get brought up last night and it did cause a fight for the reasons above (he got immediately very annoyed, threw a fit, said we were done talking, and went upstairs so he could be alone). When he came to bed a few hours later he asked if I wanted to still talk and I said no. Then this morning he asked again and we quickly resolved this whole conversation about the baby shower. I said what I had to say, he acknowledged it, and we agreed to go.

But we then had to have a whole separate conversation about his reaction to me wanting to simply talk, and how it makes me feel like I am one of those overly jealous terrible girlfriends when I'm not. He agrees with that but says to him it's simply "annoying" and he can't get past his ego. Last night he also said that it "wasn't even worth it" to talk about, and I told him that upsets me when he says those things because we are supposed to be a team, we love each other, we otherwise get along just fine, and for him to make it such a big deal to have to put in a little bit of effort to solve a conflict - to the point where it seems he would rather just walk away from it and disregard all the good stuff - just seems weird and confusing to me.

So where we're at is he has agreed to try harder to not get so upset right out of the gate. There are some times we have done this before with success, but long term he says he thinks that's just the type of person he is. He also mentioned this morning that he doesn't think the counseling we are going to is worth it or working, but we have only been to two sessions and one was an initial virtual session. But he didn't have any other suggestions for what to try and I at least think he may need some anger management or other tools to help us work through our differences, and I told him no matter what WE are the ones who have to do the work. Nobody is going to wave a magic wand or give us an answer to solve our problems. We both have to be willing to work on it, and once again, it is ultimately up to him if he feels like our relationship is worth that.

He says it is, but for reference, he said his form of trying at this point is things like still coming home at the end of the day! When we started our conversation yesterday it was on the phone while he was in the car coming home from work (he always calls me when he gets off) and that's when he already got angry. He told me (this morning) that he didn't even feel like coming home to have to have the conversation, which blows my mind! When I am honest with myself, I can see how what I am asking him to talk about is "annoying", but to that level?!

It seems he is wildly avoidant of certain things and this is what makes me think he is bringing along some past trauma because I'm telling you, I am NOT a nagging, critical, accusatory girlfriend. As I mentioned, I am overly sensitive to rocking the boat and I will speak up when I feel I need but I am not that person that expects to order him around or cater to me all the time. I have asked him if he thinks I'm really that bad and he admits it's not like that. So, I believe he is just used to thinking and feeling that way from before and somehow we need to find a way to address these things in a more healthy way, starting with the fact that having a disagreement in itself is okay! It's how we handle it from then on that will really make or break us.