Now, if the girl couldn't go shopping without you tagging alone, then maybe she wants to feel she can do a few practical things by herself. I think it goes hand in hand with feeling smothered.
Yes this is exactly what she means and I have absolutely no problem with it, I never have. She went from living with parents to being married to me and so she has never really had that independence and never expressed the want for it until now. I think she recognises this as a problem within her that she was too dependant on other and since she has just recently learned to drive so it has opened up the ability to have that independence.
Originally Posted by sandi2
You freak when she's gone four hours (supposing at mum's). What's with you, needing so much phone contact with her during the day?
I does freak me a bit now yes but I can tell you I didn't freak before all of this because there was trust.
That said I actually think this goes deeper than trust and goes to how I am thinking about things and how I am viewing her right now. I feels like this continued behaviour is almost intentional to try and push me to a point where I will end things but that I think comes from the previous manipulation before when we where separated and she was telling me she couldn't just end things with OM to basically save face. Of course Sandi could be bang on and it could well just be that she just does not have the capacity right now to give me any validation or reassurance, or behaving in a way that would show me she is actively working on the MR.
Going back to the advice though I understand not to expect balance and logic right now so the above is more about venting whats in my head and not letting that drive my actions.
A few thoughts for you to take or leave, some things that really helped me:
Boundaries-- this was huge. AlisonUK was extremely helpful to me in understanding boundaries (and through this I realized that my H and I basically had zero boundaries, or at least zero enforced boundaries). There's a post on my thread from over the summer where Alison talks about boundaries that really helped me to understand the difference between boundaries (that protect me) and trying to change my H's behavior. I also spent a couple of months working explicitly on boundaries with my IC. I think this is critical work and really encourage you to spend some good time understanding what your boundaries are and how to protect/enforce them.
Detaching/GALing-- really, really, really 1000% focus on you. There is really nothing good that can come out of spending your time and energy trying to decode her behavior or her words. Just focus on yourself and what you need to be mentally and physically healthy and strong. Sleep, exercise, self-care. Rinse and repeat.
I really liked this weird youtube video that I ended up listening to over and over-- the daily stoic on "you control how you play"... IDK why this sports metaphor really got me, but it did really help me to focus on what I can control (me) and let go of what I can't control (my H's behavior).
Spend time really understanding what you can and can't live with (this is part of your work on boundaries). If you can't live with not knowing if she's in contact with OM, or isn't in her head back fully committed to the M-- then you need to decide if you want to S. If you are OK not knowing the answers to that right now-- and can focus on yourself and continue to detach, etc.-- then give it all some time.
It is very, very hard. I think many vets here counsel to S until/if the WS is wholly repentant and willing to do whatever it takes to get you back. If that doesn't happen, at least you've started on your healing journey without waiting for them, and you don't get to witness in real time them grieving the end of the A, the loss of the fantasy that represented, all the rest. But if you can handle it, I think there is no real reason to S unless YOU want to.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Wife said this afternoon that she’s struggling with feelings for OM and she thinks she does love me. All I could say was “Ok” wasn’t sure how else to respond as it caught me off guard.
Remember words mean nothing. Actions, actions actions.
I understand but right now we're just not there, she is currently working through her feelings for the OM (yuk!) and it seems right now that is all she is able to handle. Its horrible to watch and feels horrible but I need to accept that's the situation I am in and I will need to be patient while she works on that, hopefully with professional care she says shes getting.
I have started some meds to even out my emotions a bit and my wife happened to see them and suggested that if all was affecting me so much she would move back with our daughter but I told her that I was not wanting to S at this time and thought it best we remained under the same roof, talk about stating the obvious though of course its affecting me but luckily with this board I have had some great advice. I am also in IC right now via telephone consultations due to covid.
She said she needed to be left alone to sort her own feelings out but what I think she means by that is that she doesn't need (or want) my advice or suggestions about what she would do (which I would have done before). I told her I understood that while that may have been something I have done before I realise I canno't help with that and that is her work to do alone.
Ok. Now stop telling her what you want. She knows. That is why she doesn't "need or want" your advice, because she knows what it will be.
LBSs constantly think they can just say one more thing to fix it. You cannot. You know the only thing that had a profound affect on my WAW? Was when I embraced her decision and took action myself on it. She said she wanted a D. So I started to make preparations for that. I consulted with an attorney. I organized thoughts around a D settlement. I started making plans to sell the house. Etc. Everything I said up to that point fell on deaf errors. When she saw that I was preparing to move on with out her it caused her to go "Oh, I better be sure that this is what I want."
WMWB, question: Do you think it made her respect you more or less finding the meds you've started using? Did it make you look strong or weak? You should have hid those from her like gold.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
