Hello, all—I have missed you! Thanks for checking in here, everyone. I keep thinking I'll have time to catch up here during the weekend, but right now my only day off from three jobs is Sunday, and my schedule has been so crazy. This is the third week of my new WFH job, and so many things about it are telling me this is where I should be right now. The people on the small team I work with seem to really share my values and are doing inspiring work I really admire. I'm still learning about their work and their systems and don't feel I'm in a place to really contribute in a huge way yet, but I think I will be able to. I love WFH and would enjoy it even more if H wasn't disruptive. I can't believe after a year of job searching, I somehow landed this one with only one interview. I'm so grateful.
One of our weekly Zoom meetings featured a speaker from the Billions Institute. I wasn't familiar with her, but the presentation resonated with everything going on in my personal life in so many ways. I wish I could tell my co-workers how amazing it was to experience her message in light of what's going on in my marriage—kind of feel like it's too soon for that, though! I'll share one tiny snippet here. "If someone says to you, 'You don't care about me,' your job is not to convince them that you do or that they're wrong," the speaker said. "You already know how deeply you care; you don't need to convince anyone else." There was more to it than that, but, in hearing those words, I felt how much energy I spent last year (and sometimes in our M) trying to convince my H that I loved him. I felt how much of my energy is still drained away, sometimes, in feeling that I need somehow to convince my MIL (who I still haven't talked to) and anyone else that I did love him, that I didn't see this D coming, etc etc. Can I just be okay with knowing and believing my own feelings and my own mind?
I've been thinking about your responses to my post in the last few weeks (when I do have a minute to think about something other than work!). I've still been going back and forth between feeling frustrated and done and feeling like what I really need is more patience. I do still think that H has to think everything is his idea before any movement will happen. I think he has to want to move out, or he will just dig in his heels harder if I try in any way to move this process along.
And then, guess what? I heard someone came to the shop where I still work two days a week looking for me today. When my co-worker asked to take down a message for me, the person said, "She doesn't know me. I just have some papers for her."
So I think I'm getting served D papers at work tomorrow!
Partly I feel relieved at the thought: maybe I won't have to worry about whether I should file or not anymore. Partly I feel dread: When is this stranger going to walk through the door like any other customer, only to hand me D papers? Partly I feel annoyed: Why in the world is H having me served at work? To me, that's unnecessarily unkind and disruptive. He's here with me at home all week, and he knows I work here now most of the time. Also, guess he's not giving me the heads up that he said he would many months ago. H was home most of the day today with me. Partly I feel relieved that we won't hit our 11th anniversary in a couple of weeks with H still not having filed; and, yeah, partly a little sad about that.
I know this doesn't really change anything, because I'll still be waiting on H to be ready to actually discuss an agreement, to share financial docs with me, to come around to mediation or not. I suspect no forward movement will happen for some time. I don't plan to say anything about the papers to H; if he wants to bring it up, he can. Right now, the ball is in his court as far as an agreement goes.
I also find myself still finding that familiar loop of wanting some kind of answer: How the heck did H turn into this person? How is our 17-year R now me getting served at work with no warning? I don't dwell on those questions like I used to, but they resurface at times, and they resurfaced with this news. I've not thought much about our past R or memories of it lately. Mostly because I'm pretty content in my life, and busy too--I'm excited about whatever is ahead for me. Partly because it does me no good to think about it right now, because it leads me further down the questioning path, reminds me how different before was. No point spending too much time in that loop.
But look what I've missed—first eggs from Blossom and Marigold! There have probably been many more eggs by now. bttrfly, how is the flock? I know I've missed much more, and I want to catch up on how everyone is doing. I'll be back as I can. xoxo
