A day at a time

[may22]

He'd say things like, 'maybe at the weekend if we can get the house nice' then watch me deep-clean the house then deliberately avoid me or pick an argument at bed time, then deny he was doing it. It felt not only like a rejection, but like gas-lighting, like a betrayal, and it had a horrible effect on me. I also dealt with it in extremely immature ways, which is on me.

This kills me, Alison. It makes me so angry to read. And a tiny part of me wonders if I came across that way at all to my H and I am afraid maybe I did. Not deliberately, but setting the bar so high for what it would take for me to want to sleep with him that it was impossible for any human being to meet, because the real issue was inside of me, or at least enough of it was within me that it would have taken the both of us working hard to address it, not just him. (And I didn't do anything about it on my end, except talk to my doctor who said it was totally normal and my GFs with young children who were mostly also not sleeping with their Hs, and so neatly packaged it in my mind as not a big deal.) I never, for a moment, really empathized and imagined what it must feel like for him.

I have phrases like 'you know, you could be right,' *drifts away to do something more interesting* when my H starts throwing criticism and blame about.

I can use this.

If you would like a suggestion, May, then I would advise you to do all the work you can in private, without discussion or reporting to your H, on any issues that are yours regarding the SSM. Don't talk to him about it, don't expect his approval, and whether that includes you being in a physical relationship with him again or not is up to you. But I think if you make this a matter of your concern, privately, then a) the changes in your behaviour and attitude to this matter will leak through anyway - he will be able to tell you are taking this seriously and b) you're not engaging in any kind of discussions with you where he's levering a real concern in order to make excuses for the issues he should be working on. I think not speaking about the SSM with him is a good idea, and responding blandly or assertively to his blame-shifting is also a good idea.

We haven't talked about it again and I'm not planning on engaging with him about it. I did spend some time with my IC on the topic and how the feeling of rejection I've experienced with the affair is playing into all of this, also. I think my plan is to avoid any conversations about it for the time being; set boundaries around being spoken to rudely, anything that triggers in me the fear that we're going down the same pathway as before. I refuse to be treated that way.

I am willing to listen if my behaviour is affecting him. And I can tell the difference between a blame and a genuine piece of feedback. Blame is about H not having to do anything, feedback is a request for a change that might involve both of us. 'You're such a slack housekeeper it's no wonder I'm so grumpy in the evenings' is blame and I ignore it. 'Can we talk about setting up a rota for the housework - it really gets me down when I come home to dishes undone' is a request for change, and I engage whole heartedly. You know your H and you will know which of these he's doing very easily.

This is exactly the situation I'm in here too, the difference between blame and genuine feedback. I won't take the blame but I am open to talking on an even level--not, right now, about the SSM, but about regular day-to-day things we need to engage in to run a household together. I actually haven't heard any blame since I posted about the last exchange, and we've had situations where it easily could have gone that direction and instead he was adult about it, and I was too. I'm not sure that I'll call it progress, yet. Maybe in a few more weeks if it keeps up, I will.

On working on the SSM by myself.. one of those things that feels a little difficult to do, on my own. (ha!) I did so much research after BD on this and maybe I'll re-read the Nabowski book (did you get it, by the way? What do you think?).

For me, I think continuing to practice self-care and taking opportunities to step outside of my mom persona is one thing I can do. And, relentlessly enforcing the respect/partnership boundary in our household so that as long as we are going to be living together, I won't let myself feel taken advantage of, disrespected, or that I have a third child in the home to manage. I'll let the dishes stay undone rather than do them resentfully, or remind him it's his turn. (Argh! That will be the hardest).