Confused but committed, Part 2

[Valeska19]

We’ve been in crisis in these past 5 years. In that time, I’ve grown increasingly stressed out trying to manage it all, while my wife has crumpled in on herself and contributed less and less to an equal partnership. From my perspective, I’ve grown angrier and angrier, crying out, “where is my partner??” and feeling the complete lack of equal energy to steer the ship. I’m starting to understand now that, in this great crisis we’ve experienced, what she wanted was a CAPTAIN to say, “I’ve got this, we will be ok, I’m steering the ship.”

Same experience, two different stories. The “I’m the captain, I’m in charge” role never occurred to me because I thought it was patriarchal sexism - but that’s how I was RAISED to think. But from her perspective it must seem I dropped the ball.

Hoch - I don't usually speak too much to the male/female dynamic as my relationships are same-sex based so I understand there are differences. That being said... I totally disagree with above. It seems from what you told us is that in alot of ways you were trying to be the captain. You are the breadwinner. You watch the kids a ton. Give your w lots of breaks, etc. If you want to keep to the ship analogy - no captain runs a ship alone. Actually - the first mate is crucial to the ships successful voyage. Could you be strong and lead her down a path - sure... but to not expect equal partnership.. um.. you are married. That's a reasonable expectation.

I think were things went sour - its when you started placing responsibility on your w that wasn't hers to bear. Or times when you were being NGS with expectations. It is hard for resentment to make a home in your heart when you are woke to the idea of completely taking care of yourself. When you realize you are only in control of you and therefore need to always ask "What does Hoch need" and then to make it happen. Or when you set boundaries and don't "rescue" your wife because you don't have the emotional capacity to do so.

So for me - you talking about being the Captain is just a different way of being the fixer and Hoch - you've been a fixer way too long.

I’ve been watching a lot of Fearless Man on YouTube which talks to this dynamic, the sexual polarity, and how the man creates a “safe container” for the woman to be feminine. While I do not condone the behavior, I can definitely see how my wife’s anger and out of control reactionism are expressions of her masculine side that have come out since pregnancy. Right or wrong, ethical or unethical, it means those masculine energies were missing from the house and that’s why they showed up. I’m starting to change that by changing the balance of energies, for me.

I really just don't agree with this. All People are on a spectrum. I'm personally a masculine communicator - but I also am very feminine. I've spoken in great length with my therapist about this as often women are shamed for having masculine tendencies. So tread this thought lightly.... respect/leading a household/being strong - these are integrity traits NOT gender ones.

One thing I find strange, and maybe someone can speak to this. I definitely have shifted my energy to more masculine, grounded, in charge. I no longer put up with her back talk, and I don’t put up with tantrums in the kids. They are definitely starting to respect me. My wife’s energy toward me has softened, become more feminine and playful, and she is way more open in conversation. HOWEVER - she has taken off and won’t wear her ring, and has started sleeping downstairs occasionally.

Just to continue beating my dead horse... again... not masculine traits! They are traits of someone with self esteem, integrity, boundaries, etc.

My intuition - which I am learning to foster - says she’s opening up and is scared of it, so is leaning in with her energy but doing small things to distance. How do people who know these sitches read that? I’m not interested in picking apart every minute detail, but the mixed messaging is confusing.

You are changing the dance of your relationship. Stop focusing on how your wife responds. It's gonna be cooky for a bit. She could be nice one minute/distant the next. It's all part of the process when the pattern is being changed...

.... which brings me to my final piece. Becareful about making decisions around the high you are feeling. Setting boundaries. Feeling confident is great. I mean who doesn't love it when they work hard at the gym all week and step on that scale and see they have lost 5 lbs.

But there are going to be days where you don't lose any weight. H3ll - you might even gain back a few lbs. That's what this process is.

There hasn't been enough time for these changes to settle in. Not for you. Not for her. Keep doing the work. Be patient with the process.