Confused but committed, Part 2

[SteveLW]

So I’m feeling much better and more confident. I’m still in this limbo, however. Married but not, no physical contact, but not saying I’m we’re separated. Just... existing.

I’ve found myself imagining scenarios where I tell her I don’t want to be in a marriage with no intimacy anymore, that we should plan to divorce if she doesn’t intend to work on herself and make the marriage better.

I don’t know if that’s a good idea, or if I’m just getting antsy. I also don’t know yet if I’d have the confidence to really say that and mean it.

I want this to work out. I still have hope. I know patience is a virtue... I’m reading those passages over and over - be patient, patient, patient, and hopeful.

Stop talking. Act. If you don't want to be in a marriage with no intimacy, go file for divorce. LBSs talk too much and act too little.

I am going to disagree with Steve here.

I believe your W is not in an affair then I would communicate to her that this arrangement is not working for you. You would like to work on the marriage with her but if she’s not interested that you are going to pursue a divorce, heal and then eventually pursue another relationship in the future.

The thing is Hoch you have to be prepared to walk and never look back if she doesn’t agree to your terms.

Are you prepared to do that and be ok with either answer?

I would agree.....except, this isn't the first time Hoch has expressed this.

Hoch, none of us advocate LBSs sit and wait around for the WAS to come around forever. And if anyone advocates that, then I would question their wisdom.

So your choices are pretty clear. Continue to wait to see if she comes around (if you do this I would choose a dropdead deadline, not one you communicate to her but one you have for yourself "if by this date she isn't fully committed to the MR, then I go file for D"), or you end things yourself.

I do not see talking about it again netting anything positive. LBSs think they can talk their way out of what they've acted their way into. Your sitch took a long time to develop over time until BD finally occurred, a conversation with her about how it isn't working for you (she knows that already) isn't going to snap her out of it.