A day at a time

[may22]

I’m going to be kind of blunt here. Please forgive me in advance.

Your H had a 2 year A! He hid this from you for 2 years! Which involves some pretty serious deceit. And implies a pretty serious lack of morals .

Somebody who is capable of that has serious issues that goes beyond a SSM. He has a lot to overcome before he can build a healthy marriage with you. To be able to fundamentally carry on a 2 year love affair with his wife and young kids at home, he needs to do intensive work and have intensive remorse. And not see this is a good thing in any way.

I’m sorry. I felt like it had to be said.

No disagreement here. He has a lot, a LOT to work through. TBH I don't think he is a bad or immoral person at heart, though. If he did, I would not be standing for the M. I think he made some really terrible choices and then basically felt stuck for two years, having done the unthinkable and unforgiveable to me, and yet not being able to fully detach from the M and move out/on. I feel badly for him in a lot of ways. I can't imagine how it would feel to have acted so horribly to the one person I was supposed to be there for no matter what. But, he dug that hole for himself. Ending the A was a big step for him (to him, at least) and making the choice to face what he's done. He was/is very scared of that and feels/felt (we haven't talked about this all for some time, so IDK where his head is at the moment) that what he did to me was so unforgiveable that he doesn't know how to fully acknowledge it and that he'll never be able to forgive himself. He's in IC and working on understanding why he did what he did and what it means about the kind of person he is and his identity.

Anyway. All that to say-- don't be sorry for being blunt. You are 100 percent correct. And his work is his work, not mine. I know it may seem strange that I'm open to still living with this person and believe that there is a possibility for full forgiveness on both our sides-- me forgiving him and him forgiving himself-- but I do feel that is a possibility, and one worth standing for, at least for some period of time. Also, when/if we get to this place where he's remorseful and all the rest, it is also true that I contributed to the unhealthy dynamic in our R as well, the SSM being a big part of that. So I also have work to do, if we get there.

But we are far from that place, I think. Him saying that piece about the A maybe being what saves our M, and the fact that he made a 'major life change' for me and the M, just shows how far he has to go.