Well, it didn’t take H long to challenge me on my ‘no’. I had a dr appt this morning and he was supposed to come over and get the kids started on their school zoom calls. He texted to say he had overslept and was running late. He doesn’t sleep when he’s stressed or emotional so that was a cue that I had a conversation coming.
When I got home from my appt, he told me he has been thinking about the party and wanted to strongly advocate for coming, if only for a little bit. That we didn’t have to interact or talk (?!?) and that it was important for him to be there for our eldest, especially as other dads were going to be there. I pushed back on the ‘we won’t interact’ saying that is EXACTLY what I don’t want to experience. That it makes me feel sad and hurt and that just doesn’t work for me.
I didn’t bring up eldest’s birthday last year when he finished up a job and went out clubbing with his crew instead of flying home to us or being available to talk and connect with the kids. Meanwhile I was trick or treating alone with the kids. Other dads were at that event.
H also mentioned that he feels like I am doing this only to punish him. I put my hand on my heart and lovingly said I am so sorry he feels like that but nothing could be further from the truth. That I had to protect me and my heart.
We got interrupted by kids so it kind of ended there. But of course I am vacillating (to you guys only!). I have been contemplating my motives ‘am I trying to punish him?’ Or am I just truly protecting myself and my tiny toehold? And I think where I am at now is that I am protecting myself and letting him deal with the consequences of his actions. Which may feel like punishment because I always tried to save him from his sad feelings in the past.
