Is it wrong though? I was a devoted husband and father. Always put my family first. Never so much as hugged another woman that wasn't a family member in our 25 years together. 6 months before BD I found my wife crying in the bedroom. I went to her side and asked if she was OK, through tears she begged me to take care of myself, said she couldn't bear the thought of life without me. Said she wouldn't be able to survive without me, and she feared what would happen to the kids. I reassured her that I felt great and would continue to make sure my health was such that I wouldn't be going anywhere. Just as a side note I've always eaten pretty well and stayed fit and have never been more than maybe 10 pounds overweight in my life, so this was coming out of nowhere. Anyway, 6 months later there I was sitting slack jawed as my loving wife said "I just don't want to be married anymore."
In this regard our situations are different. Your wife just grew apart from you, my wife specifically decided she didn't want to be married to me anymore. Too much stress, too much inattention to her needs, for example her love languages (I assume you know what those are). My attorney told me that my marriage started coming to an end 20 years ago, a death by a million cuts, a tally that grew each day.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
My point is this- some people find themselves here because they treated their spouse poorly. They didn't respect them, didn't show them love, didn't treat them well. But some people find themselves here IN SPITE of having been a really good, or even fantastic spouse. You have to do some soul-searching to decide if you were the former or the latter. And you should by all means use this as a tool to make yourself a better person. But this may have a lot more to do with her going through something than your perceived failings as a husband.
I think that in either case, we need to look at our failings as a husband. Even if she just grew apart, or had an A with an OM, there are still lessons for us. Maybe it's being sure to not miss the early signs.
That would be the situation in my case. I had assumed, since our wedding date, that we would stay together no matter what. I never thought of confirming that with her, asking her specifically, "are we doing OK?" Had she ever asked me, I would have always said I was committed to her forever, til the day we died. But my STBXW could not have held it in; had I asked her 3 or 4 years ago, "are we OK?" she might have well broke down and told me she was contemplating divorce, or ending the marriage someday. I never asked her. That's on me.
Because she did give me signs. I am a more traditionally-fashioned man, with a senior management career, well-educated, and well-accomplished. Frankly, I think she was attracted to that. She wanted to be a full-time Mom and have me as the sole breadwinner. But somewhere along the line that changed. First off, she went back to work in 2009 because our oldest was headed for college 2 years later and we needed the cash flow. It changed her stress level, and my STBXW is a tender woman who internalizes work stress a lot. A LOT. It would not surprise me -- she never told me this -- that she resented having to go back to work.
Another sign was how she argued with me, probably beginning 10 years ago. At one point she actually started saying "F-- you!" on extremely rare occasions when she was really angry. Mind you, this never came about because I swore at her first. I never swore at her, ever. Never even called her a name. Rarely even raised my voice. But once every year, maybe two years, she would get angry enough to say that.
Yes I was shocked, but I forgave her. How could I not? I would say, "That really hurts, how can you say that?" and she would storm away. It would be forgotten an hour later. So I wrote it off. She's a lot like her mother, and her mother would do the same at times, say hurtful things that she really didn't mean. So I of course let the nastiness slide. It was so infrequent anyway.
Other times she would stubbornly stick to her guns during an argument, in spite of logic or the need to compromise. Usually it would be little things, like cutting back on the cable TV bill. We would begin to discuss it, she would raise the volume level, and then she would storm away saying something like, "I can't give in to you for my own self-respect!" Okay. I would usually reply with something like, "I understand that, but for harmony's sake, can we at least compromise?" If we compromised or found another approach it would be days later after her anger had passed.
What does all this mean? This tender-hearted, sweet woman, I was making her into an angry person for the first time in her life. Whether it was all me or 50-50, that was what was happening. And I did nothing actively to address it over those years, I just accepted it and waited for it to pass. And it didn't. It grew insider her and festered, until she walked out without notice.
Lesson learned to me forever. Watch for the early signs. Communicate as best as you can. Don't let the smoldering turn into a big fire.
