I will definitely be exploring my social anxiety in my IC. So far it simply hadn’t been on my radar, since I was the more outgoing between my wife and I. But now that I’m focusing on it I’m seeing it’s a big problem that I want to overcome for me.
Valeska19 -
Thank you again for the kind words. I feel you’re right, being charming and creative isn’t at all incompatible with being strong. I should clarify, what I’m starting to think happened is that while I’m creative and passionate, since being raised by a strong feminist and a weak father (and I’m now remembering that my mother would berate my father and myself for being “male” or “macho”, while praising things like cooperation and egalitarianism - not bad things in themselves, mind), I’m seeing that the dynamic between my wife and I had two sides.
We’ve been in crisis in these past 5 years. In that time, I’ve grown increasingly stressed out trying to manage it all, while my wife has crumpled in on herself and contributed less and less to an equal partnership. From my perspective, I’ve grown angrier and angrier, crying out, “where is my partner??” and feeling the complete lack of equal energy to steer the ship. I’m starting to understand now that, in this great crisis we’ve experienced, what she wanted was a CAPTAIN to say, “I’ve got this, we will be ok, I’m steering the ship.”
Same experience, two different stories. The “I’m the captain, I’m in charge” role never occurred to me because I thought it was patriarchal sexism - but that’s how I was RAISED to think. But from her perspective it must seem I dropped the ball.
I’ve been watching a lot of Fearless Man on YouTube which talks to this dynamic, the sexual polarity, and how the man creates a “safe container” for the woman to be feminine. While I do not condone the behavior, I can definitely see how my wife’s anger and out of control reactionism are expressions of her masculine side that have come out since pregnancy. Right or wrong, ethical or unethical, it means those masculine energies were missing from the house and that’s why they showed up. I’m starting to change that by changing the balance of energies, for me.
One thing I find strange, and maybe someone can speak to this. I definitely have shifted my energy to more masculine, grounded, in charge. I no longer put up with her back talk, and I don’t put up with tantrums in the kids. They are definitely starting to respect me. My wife’s energy toward me has softened, become more feminine and playful, and she is way more open in conversation. HOWEVER - she has taken off and won’t wear her ring, and has started sleeping downstairs occasionally.
My intuition - which I am learning to foster - says she’s opening up and is scared of it, so is leaning in with her energy but doing small things to distance. How do people who know these sitches read that? I’m not interested in picking apart every minute detail, but the mixed messaging is confusing.
