Reading your thread May I see a lot of similarities in our situation and our Stitch seem to be very similar, that said you do seem pretty grounded right now and from what I am reading you are way ahead in terms of your handle of the situation than I am which is why I have appreciated your options in my own thread.

Originally Posted by may22

that he isn't doing all the processing necessary to understand why he had the affair and why he made the choices he did. He didn't need to handle it that way. And yes, maybe the affair ends up being what saves our marriage... but only if we both do the work that it takes to heal and learn from it. He is trying to skip all of that work, and that isn't okay with me. However, I also don't want to lose a grip on my own responsibility for what brought us to this place. I just don't think we're ready to discuss it as a couple. Or at least I'm not ready to talk to him about it until and if he's made some significant movement on his own journey, taking responsibility for his own actions and being truly remorseful for how the choices he made have hurt me.


This is what I am seeing too with my own Stitch and to me it seems we're waiting on our Stitch to get over that hurdle so we can do the real R work that has the potential to build a better M. There is always a possibility that they never get to that place.

Originally Posted by may22

Ever since I found out about the A and started researching like mad about recovery, I have wanted us to be Esther Perel's "explorer" couples, who use the A as a catalyst to a far better and stronger M. But LH-- all the experts talk about this, rebuilding a stronger M because of the A, Glass and MWD too.


I have and am doing the exact same but of course this also so much more complex and its difficult to document all the scenarios and feelings that comes with infidelity. I also think reading a lot of that stuff set me up to have certain expectations like expecting instant remorse and willingness to work on the marriage and not a lot of this material covered things like the grieving process our stitch needs to go through to start the process of clearing their minds. One book I found quite balanced was "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass and of course this board. Again its all well and good to educate ourselves on this stuff but its frustrating being unable to put it into practice as our stitch isn't there yet.