Mat, KML and DnJ, thank you for the words of support and solidarity. It means a lot to me.
This evening, the birthday party came up and I told H that it was too hard for me. After a long, sad pause he asked what was so hard about it and I said that I was working on finding my balance again and that it is just too hard to spend prolonged periods of time together at my house.
He didn't take it well. At first he was understanding and kind, but then later in the conversation (we had other business to discuss) he got petty and mean and told me 'we're not friends!'. Which I in turn reacted by saying, that's the reason it doesn't make sense for you to be present at the birthday party. We are not friends. Only friends are coming to this party.
But underneath it all, I know he is so devastated.
Which makes me want to cry and makes me question everything... I know I can lead the way to a better R with H by taking it all on the chin, by continuing to be the bigger person and include him in everything. But doing so would require me to stuff down my needs. Which I have done for so long in this R, and look where it got me? Into a S heading towards D. As hard as this is, it is the closest I can come to a 180 in our R. Right?
This is on the heels of a friend mentioning that H had the kids at a birthday party this weekend while I was away, and that he chose to sit far away from the other parents, in a sad way. He knows he is not welcome.
Someone please tell me I am not a monster and not doing the wrong things. I have spent so long putting H's emotional needs above my own, this feels very, very uncomfortable to me.
