WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (2)

[BL42]

sandi2,

It's not the other man #1 or #101. It is her fantasy that keeps her jumping from man to man. Of course she is not seeking you out, b/c she doesn't want that relationship. That's one reason a WW will usually have some OM that is nothing like her H. She wants to escape her old life.

Makes sense, and seems to apply here.

Look, this didn't happen b/c you've been a bad husband/father. That's one of the distinguishing features about a wayward W. She lost respect for you as a man. It's how she sees you. She carried around resentment toward you, and she blames you for her unhappiness. Whether or not she ever says those exact words......this is the foundation of waywardness. The mindset of a WW is not a pretty picture! In other words, the problem is her....not you. And now, she is acting out in rebellion, just like a teenager!

Thanks for saying that. I pride myself on being a fantastic father - I'm as present and involved with the kids as much or more than anyone out there - and though not perfect, a pretty decent husband as well. You're right about the loss of respect. However, what I'm struggling with the reason for that loss of respect. I understand it may not change the situation and "I may never know" but then how do I work on myself for the future if I can't identify the reasons/behaviors which caused it? When I think about it objectively I do believe the problem is her and not me, and I attribute a lot of it to her family background...she does seem to be acting in a rebellious teenage manner which is the timing of when her mom had an affair and divorced her dad, but is that lazy thinking...what should I do better in the future?

Don't compare yourself with OM. Don't hold your breath, hoping any day she'll snap out of her waywardness and see what a treasure you are. Something might happen to shake her senses, but recovering from a wayward mindset is a process. She can decide to do the right thing, but that doesn't mean her feelings for you will all be resolved and returned to normal the minute she ends her affair. This is what many newcomers don't grasp. She can recover, but it is tough b/c it requires hard work on her inner self. She has to work through all that garbage in her head/heart, before she can be the loving W you desire. Ending her affair and returning home is not an automatic cure, like some LBH's think. She doesn't just bounce back to her old self. It's necessary for her to take these steps (and more), but her problem is in her heart.

I too struggled with that initially. In the first few months I focused on AP/OM1 and how to get him out of the picture, whereas friends (and online resources) told me that wasn't the issue that another man would come along...and they were right. I don't believe she's one to look inward and really work on her issues right now. She seems to completely be blaming me for her unhappiness - not sure she's going to do the work needed.

The fact that your WW has been talking behind your back is not surprising. I think a WW talks bad about the LBH, to try and justify her reason for leaving and getting involved with OM. If she can convince her relatives, friends, & co-workers that her H was a jerk, she thinks it will elevate herself in their eyes.

Understood, but what surprised me was hearing about how far back it went...well before BD (years), without me knowing.

That sounds as if your W has influenced her GM that you can't be trusted. When they start threatening to call police and/or have the attorney send you threatening letters..........it's time to pull way back from your in-laws. I understand they are related to your children, and maybe GM babysits, IDK. But you are walking on dangerous grounds when you can't go there to pick up your kids, without having charges brought against you.

I hope your lawyer will fight for your rights as a father. It's okay to hear something isn't that big of a deal, but I would want to know how to proceed in picking up your children from the in-laws. Do you call ahead to let GM know you are on your way there, so she won't be taken off guard? There needs to be some solution, where you aren't at risk when you go to get your children.

Yes, I believe she was influenced by my W and more likely W's mom. I had another incident two weeks ago where I arranged timing with my W and when I showed up W's grandma wouldn't bring D2 out to me and I waited with an umbrella outside in the rain for 10-15mins and my W had to call her. Good news is my W talked to her since and hopefully tomorrow won't be an issue. If it happens a third time I'll need to get my L to take some action.

P.S. The WW wants to escape to a new & better life (which usually includes another man). She doesn't want "to work" on herself. In fact, she doesn't want to "work" at anything, especially a relationship. She just wants to feel in love, without any effort whatsoever. Some WW's who leave the H will tell him that she's working on herself.........but it's a lie! Reality = work. Fantasy = play.

Yes, you seemed to have hit the nail on the head. My wife told me she was at a zero, beaten down for 5 years and needed to work on herself and not be in a relationship...all the while in an affair with a married co-worker, and now supposedly on to the next man. I believe you're right that she doesn't want to work on and address her issues but rather "just be happy".

P.S. #2......As for the dating thing, I suggest you read Wolfman's updates.

I've been reading Wolfman's sitch, and I don't envy his position. I wouldn't rule out more kids IF I enter a wholesome healthy relationship someday, but never want to be put in the position of a shot gun wedding.

((hugs))

Thanks sandi. I'm sure you hear this a lot but reading your comment helped a great deal.