She says she wants more independence (which I have never stopped her having) as she has never been an independent person before being that she went from living with parents to being married and having kids, I do get that but it just seems counter intuitive to what’s needed right now to heal the marriage (transparency).
It depends what she really means by wanting more independence. Going away for the weekend, without her H, is not what a recovering WW should do. Having a girl's night out, or anything along those lines, are not what she should be doing while she's going through withdrawals. She may argue the point, but that type of atmosphere is very bad for someone who is suppose to be straightening out herself. She gets the wrong type of encouragement & influence from those who do not have your MR at best interest. So, I would red flag any going overnight without her H.......staying out late at night, etc.
Now, if the girl couldn't go shopping without you tagging alone, then maybe she wants to feel she can do a few practical things by herself. I think it goes hand in hand with feeling smothered. Of course, we've seen the times where the WW would pitch that same script simply as a smoke screen to meet up with OM.
You want validation from her. You want reassurance. You want to see her actively working on the MR. None of these are unreasonable for a LBS, but frankly, I don't believe you are going to get all this from your W right now. I've already told you that ending the A and going through withdrawals is the WORK she has to do first. If you are looking for her to fill your emotional needs at this time.......I don't think she can do it. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just stating how it is.
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I now know how important it was to have boundaries in place before she came back.
It's not too late to set boundaries, if you really understand how it works. Before you decide to proclaim some boundary, I recommend you read the link on boundaries, and talk to the board about the boundary you want in place.
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She spent most of the morning in bed and I made the family and her something to eat. Then she comes down late afternoon gives me a kiss (2pm) says she is going for a drive to her Mums. Its 4 hours later and I have hardly heard a peep out of her. I have hardly seen her all day
Hardly heard from her? Does that mean she did make some type of contact?
Was anything said to her while she spent the morning in bed? I mean, is this unusual for her to lay around while you cook and take care of the kids? Unless she gave an excuse for staying in bed all morning, I tend to think it's more of you spoiling her (thinking it shows your love). She doesn't need to be spoiled and petted. You freak when she's gone four hours (supposing at mum's). What's with you, needing so much phone contact with her during the day? You don't have to answer, b/c I know what it is........and so does she!
I strongly suggest you study the link on boundaries. Boundaries are a must in a wayward spouse situation. Setting healthy boundaries are for your protection.
Going with the flow doesn't mean you just passively put up with disrespect. That's why you need to decide your boundaries.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
