I think you nailed it on the head here. Especially the fact that she's not really sure why but she needed to do it to survive. In the one letter she wrote me, she said she felt like the house was a prison, that she was suffocating while there. That's why she had to walk away.
My XW said the same, in fact she used that same word- "suffocating". Said she felt trapped in the house. Yet later she wanted ME to leave the house! So yeah, by "trapped" she just meant because I was there!
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And ... I guess the hardest part about accepting that is that all that pain, all that discomfort, was because of me. ME. I never thought I was that bad of a guy, in fact amongst all our friends I thought I was the most decent, loyal, loving and supportive of the husbands. WRONG!!!
Is it wrong though? I was a devoted husband and father. Always put my family first. Never so much as hugged another woman that wasn't a family member in our 25 years together. 6 months before BD I found my wife crying in the bedroom. I went to her side and asked if she was OK, through tears she begged me to take care of myself, said she couldn't bear the thought of life without me. Said she wouldn't be able to survive without me, and she feared what would happen to the kids. I reassured her that I felt great and would continue to make sure my health was such that I wouldn't be going anywhere. Just as a side note I've always eaten pretty well and stayed fit and have never been more than maybe 10 pounds overweight in my life, so this was coming out of nowhere. Anyway, 6 months later there I was sitting slack jawed as my loving wife said "I just don't want to be married anymore."
My point is this- some people find themselves here because they treated their spouse poorly. They didn't respect them, didn't show them love, didn't treat them well. But some people find themselves here IN SPITE of having been a really good, or even fantastic spouse. You have to do some soul-searching to decide if you were the former or the latter. And you should by all means use this as a tool to make yourself a better person. But this may have a lot more to do with her going through something than your perceived failings as a husband.
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The most painful part, though, is that she gave the marriage zero chance. There are so many things she could have said -- "Tom, I want to move out and get away. It might be six months before we can talk again, but I ... must ... have ... this ... space." Sure, I would've accepted that. Or, she might have said, "Tom, I'm filing for divorce, but during the process we can perhaps work on things to see if we don't need to sign the final papers in a year." That would have been a bigger shock, but I could've handled that.
If she had said that it might have made you feel better, but it wouldn't have been honest. Sometimes they'll say those things, but it's just to "soften the blow". Her mind is made up for now. It CAN and probably WILL change later, but right now she doesn't think she will ever change her mind.
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She undertook a few bad actions that poisoned the well, also, no doubt at the advice of her aggressive attorney and an angry sister. Took all the money with her. Left the house on BD day with the best car. Collected all the tax refunds. Had the attorney accuse me of stalking, violence, harrassment and more and threaten a restraining order.
Wow that's awful! My XW treated me very poorly after BD (not like that though, would just say mean/ angry things), but at some point she actually approached me and said she had done it on purpose because she thought it would make it easier for me to let go. But she said she could see it was just hurting me worse and in turn made her feel worse, so she wasn't going to do it anymore. WOW the things they say and do. It's just all a ride on the crazy train. But she was good to her word, she continued to be cold/ indifferent after but not mean like she had been.
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But I am made for relationship, I am certain of that.
I thought I was too. I really did. But you are going to discover that dating at our age is MUCH different than when we were younger. You are set in your ways and so will be the women you meet. You may not realize how set in your ways you are until you try to introduce a new love interest into it all. It's not easy!
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So did you ever date? Are you dating now?
Oh yes, I dated quite a bit. I have so many really wild stories, LOL! I started dating about a year after BD which in retrospect wasn't enough time, I should have waited longer, I just wasn't mentally prepared yet. I had little luck meeting women my age because of the above issue about people being set in their ways, plus they just seemed to have a high degree of fear of meeting a stranger. So they would just want to text forever and never commit to meeting. Younger women were much more willing to meet, often the same day we started contact. And younger women were thrilled to have someone be a gentleman around them, dress well and treat them with honor and respect, apparently that's in short supply in younger men these days. I dated some absolutely stunning young ladies. They weren't without their baggage, that's for sure. I eventually started seeing one more seriously. We've been seeing each other for around 5 years, it's kind of a long distance relationship because she's about 1-1/2 hours away and our schedules make it tough to get together. So we only see each other about once a month, but we text a lot. She's much younger, is a partner in a small business and does part-time modeling. She's very sweet, pretty and has a centerfold figure. If you are intelligent, successful, fit and average to good looking you will be surprised at your options out there.
Just make sure you are ready though. If in doubt then give yourself more time. It is REALLY tough getting close to someone after you've programmed yourself to be devoted to one particular person for decades.
