A day at a time

[BluWave]

This is a very interesting and thought provoking conversation :-) I like the different POVs. We all had M issues before our BD! Heck, anyone that is M long enough will have issues to work out whether they split or not. Some issues are more common and some are more severe. I’m not sure we can even categorize them based on severity because our perception of what we as individuals can tolerate varies greatly.

For me, I can tolerate a lot — some drama, probably a SSM (I don’t know for how long), the physical separation (which ultimately is what saved us). What I could not tolerate, or so I thought, was any type of infidelity, and that’s exactly what I got. The full blown PA with my “best friend.” The worst kind! Shaking head. So what we tolerate also changes. I’m not sure other women would have even taken him back after that. I didn’t really think I would either. And here we are still together. But why?

So where am I going wit this? We look for similarities between our sitches because it helps us understand our own sitch better. It also brings us comfort and we feel less alone. However, I think there are as many differences as there are similarities. Not just in the events that occurred but in who we are as people and what matters to us. For you May, he ended the A and has not left the home. So for now, that is enough.

My concern is that he still makes excuses and blame shifts. That prevents any movement in the M. Yes, you guys had a SSM. Well so do millions of other M couples. Him continuing to bring up problems or look to blame you for the SSM shows how far away he is from doing any real work. It’s been 3 years now since the A started? So that is at least 3 years he has made excuses and not done any self work. That timeline and what has now become an engrained adult behavior pattern is very concerning. Please continue to not tolerate this and speak up. It doesn’t have to be good enough for you. You can tell him point blank that you want a partner that is willing to look at his own actions and take responsibility for those and in turn you will continue to do the same.

I think the reason my M is surviving doesn’t have to do with how bad our sitch got or what either of us can tolerate. I think it survives because we are both willing to do the hard work — take responsibility for our mistakes and compromise. Your H is going to have to get there at some point. Only you know how long you can wait.

Blu