My first H had an EA (possibly a PA but I didn’t ask as I didn’t think it would help me to know at the time) with a mutual friend seven years into our relationship (two years into our marriage). I accidentally found out about it (I had NO idea) and it ended as soon as I confronted him. I remember being very conscious about how I dealt with it. I knew that if I focused on the affair and on making him feel bad about it, we were doomed. Instead, I focused on the reasons why it happened. TBH, I had known that my H and I had been drifting apart and that he was struggling but I was too scared to approach him about it so I just left it and hoped it would fix itself. The affair was a wake up call that I needed to get more serious about it so I did... we did. Our relationship got a heck of a lot better after that and we got a lot closer. I rarely thought about the affair in the years that followed because I understood how it happened and I knew it was not the problem...it was just his misguided solution.
We did eventually divorce but that had nothing to do with the affair. We parted as friends who were going in different directions. That was 20 years ago and he and I are still on the best of terms. He lives about six hours away from me so we don’t see each other often but we do keep in touch and I have nothing but love for him and he says the same about me. So I fully understand what your H meant when he said the A might be the thing that saves your marriage. I hope he is right.
