Hi friend! I hope you had a good day. Thanks for popping over to my MLC thread, I am always so grateful for your support. (((May)))
Oof, these conversations between you and Alison are hitting me hard. In a good way. I love Alison’s SSM perspective from the HD point of view and there is some strong truths there that are applicable to my situation as well (I was the LD partner for years and the SSM deeply affected my H). But as she says, a SSM does not give our Hs carte blanche to do what they will. Nor does it justify their actions or behavior. If it was a dealbreaker for them, then the onus was on them to express it as such and let us decide what we were capable of doing with that information. A SSM does not equal an A.
Did the SSM lead to a decline in the overall M? Probably, yes. But why is it OK for men to use it to justify their actions when there are so many women in the same position who are not straying from their marriages for the same reason? I am a little up in arms about this one, with three daughters under my wing. There are so many factors to this conversation; biology (women are not meant to desire procreation when physically sapped from childbirth/child rearing), emotions (I loved the chapter in Mating in Captivity that explored this) and just missed connections between two humans who both have needs and whose needs are to be met first with the least amount of trauma? Fascinating discussion, I am learning so much as a voyeur on this one.
Back to your specific situation, I have to say that I think it’s positive that H is viewing his A as a potential marriage saver. It’s very Perel-ian of him and at this point in your sitch he could be right for once. Not as an excuse for his behavior, but in the sense that it is either going to kill the M or make it the best it could ever be. Would it be possible for you to take a 40,000’ view and see this as the inflection point in your M? And that 40,000’ view sees things in a broader timeline that you are at the moment. It’s not about today or tomorrow, but more like a year from now?
I have so much faith in you, strong May, to see this this through. You are Wayfarer right now. Living in the moment with a seed of understanding that this isn’t the end for you and H. Trust your gut, take the longview and give yourself so much grace and compassion for what you have been through.
